My Band Life

2009-06-17T20:08:00.002+08:00

Who would mind living in austria if they get to sing such a beuatiful national anthem everyday! its short, but its the most beautiful i've ever heard... heh...

BMT just over. now spending my block leave slacking... 3 fast months have flew past... now waiting for my posting, and i'm a little anxious to where i'm gonna land. wish i could be posted to some airborne unit.. but nah, there isn't such units available for chao recruits... oh, and btw, i'm a private already... hehe, not a chao recruit anymore...

there's a great sense of regret and longing. gotta work for what u want man... gotta work.

2009-05-25T16:09:00.003+08:00

3 more weeks till end of my bmt!
i think im damn alot fitter now! :D
I LOVE CHILLI CRAB INSTANT NOODLES!
anyway, life has been great! army is like damn fun!
and i got SILVER FOR MY IPPT HEH HEH
so i get to go home early this weeek :D
happy thoughts!
<3

2009-01-28T04:09:00.002+08:00

Certain things these days have came to my attention, and i realise that as people get closer to each other in terms of relationship, friendship, or just acquaintance-ship, they begin to unravel their darker side, their nastier side, when they dun bother to hide in that facade they've been trying to put up for so long just to be socially deemed as nice as being friend. i guess that's very common, cause not many people can be themselves when meeting new people... we always tend to want to be in everyone else's good books... well, i guess time realise tells alot. who will stand by you no matter what, who will scold and reprimand you just to see you succeed in life, who will be that silent guardian angel who has your back every single time.

oh well, i've definitely been guilty of taking some people for granted over the past year. although i do regret it, i guess i can't do very much about it now. well, i'll just try to be a better person this year.

Looking back on last year, i realised that being low profile is could actually be quite a good thing... at least it draws yourself away from constant limelight and critisizm.... i guess people tend to scrutinize every aspect and just judge so ever readily... i guess maybe portrayal of your personality and actions do play a part in forming others impression of oneself. However to judge so readily and insistently just isn't fair, for he might just be so much more than what he portrays if u even bother to form a good friendship... oh well, looking back sets me thinking further. i guess thats why almost every night i need that 1 hour of music while i'm on my bed to put my mind at ease and stop thinking about things. Nothing beats having your surround sound system placed strategically to emerse you into the world of tchaikovsky, beethoven.......... its simply amazing and it really helps one to put his mind at ease. now i'm just off to my nightly ritual.

2009-01-16T02:10:00.002+08:00

wow, these days i've been watching so many movies, and i have to say "the pianist"the movie trumps all those modern shit i've been watching... its so touching, especially when the kind german officer was so kind to the piano guy... sometimes u wonder why good people all suffer. thats why war is never a good thing.... i guess out of the whole show what surprised and touched me most was this scene .

i almost thought the german soldier would be like all the other german bastards, mindless killing freaks... however this german officer was so warm, and offered so much although he being the enemy shouldn't even care. i guess the music summed up the whole relationship between these 2 characters... one of awe, and the other of gratitude. the officer even went to the extend of giving the pianist food and his army coat while they were stationed at his hideout. its by far the most touching shit i;ve watched man... the german dude is damn handsome by the way... hahaa.. though its quite sad that he later got caught by the russians, and died in the prisoner of war camp in russia... well not not all kind people get good ending i guess...

off.

Tchaikovsky 4th Symphony

2008-12-26T21:09:00.004+08:00

In this extract from a letter to Nadezhda von Meck Tchaikovsky outlines the programme of his Symphony No 4 (1878).

The introduction is the seed of the whole symphony, beyond question the main idea. This is Fate, the fatal force which prevents our hopes of happiness from being realized…..One must submit to it and to futile yearnings. The gloomy, despairing feeling grows stronger and more burning. Would it not be better to turn away from reality and plunge into dreams? O, joy! At last a sweet and tender vision appears. Some bright, gracious human form passes and beckons somewhere….. Little by little, dreams have completely enveloped the soul. All that was gloomy, joyless is forgotten. It is here, it is here, happiness! No! These were dreams, and Fate awakens us harshly. Thus, life is a perpetual alternation between grim reality and transient dreams and reveries of happiness. There is no haven. Drift upon that sea until it engulfs and submerges you in its depths.

The second movement of the symphony expresses another phase of depression. This is the melancholy feeling which comes in the evening when one sits alone, tired from work, having picked up a book but let it fall from one’s hands. A whole host of memories appears. And one is sad because so much is gone, past, and it is pleasant to remember one’s youth…..There were happy moments when young blood pulsed and life was good. There were gloomy moments, too, irreplaceable losses. All that is indeed somewhere far off. And it is sad and somehow sweet to bury oneself in the past.

The third movement does not express any definite sensations. It consists of capricious arabesques, elusive apparitions that pass through the imagination when one has drunk a little wine and feels the first stage of intoxication. The soul is neither merry nor gloomy. One is thinking of nothing; the imagination is liberated, and for some reason sets off painting strange pictures. Among them one remembers the picture of a roistering peasant and street song. Then somewhere in the distance a military parade passes. These are completely disconnected images, like those which flit through one’s head as one is falling asleep. They have nothing to do with reality; they are strange, wild and incoherent.

Fourth movement. If you find no cause for joy within yourself, look for it in others. Go to the people…..A picture of festive popular rejoicing. Scarcely has one forgotten oneself and been carried away at the sight of someone else’s pleasure than indefatigable Fate returns again and reminds you of yourself. But others pay no heed to you. They do not even turn round, they do not glance at you and do not notice how lonely and gloomy you are. Oh, how gay they are! How lucky they are that all their feelings are simple and spontaneous. Reproach yourself and do not say that all the world is sad. Simple but strong joys do exist. Rejoice in other’s rejoicing. To live is still bearable.

From a letter by Peter Tchaikovsky to Nadezhda von Meck. Quoted in John Warrack, Tchaikovsky, Hamish Hamilton, 1973, pp. 134-136.

2008-11-28T21:29:00.002+08:00

this few weeks, i've come to understand what first impression does to one. i guess, trust is very much built upon first impression, although it shouldn't be the case. haiz, its quite saddening to know that people no longer trust you on your punctuality anymore. oh well, i guess i can't blame them, but i tried my best. well, it seems like i've really gotta step up my punctuality habits, or more trust will be lost. i just really wanna thank those who really stood by me even though i've this flaw, a glaring flaw to be exact. those who are willing to risk their reputation on it. to my ex flute tutor, current one, my best buddy SW, and little piglet.

2008-10-25T20:38:00.002+08:00

ooh, i got my enlistment letter today! i will have to report for enlistment which is report for army on the 13th march 2009! woaw, thats like exactly one week after my birthday on 6th march. not bad, eh. luckily i still can celebrate my birthday with hair. hee... haha then they even invite family members to see the BMTC camp somemore sia. haha got TICKET somemore! still have limit to 5 family member only sia.. hilarious! made it sound like so priviledge like that. haha get ticket to see what shit your son will be going under. haha, totally ridiculous ticketing system.

anyway i just watched the presidential debate on tommy's blog, and it was just clear cut that barack obama was totally in control la, though mccain's constant shooting did make him flustered at one point. haha mc cain was like a mc donald clown la, he looks like one btw. haha, his plea in the end was more of begging people to vote for him la. kinda pathetic. anyway its worth watching, quite interesting stuff. hop on tommy's blog for the youtube link.

haha, and today i went ntuc to buy some snacks to keep my mouth munching, and when i was queuing to pay, there was this 2 indian guy laughing at my collon chocolate biscuits! pic above. hmph! but yeah i figured why they found it amusing. Maybe it's because it sounds like "colon - storage tube forfor solid waste at your anus there". damn i should have laugh at them back, cause they look like the by-products! hahahaha... ok, i'm off for computing. gah theres never ending work to be done!

2008-10-25T12:18:00.004+08:00

recently my buddy told me this joke.... haha "if roads and infrastructure is public good, and health care and education merit good, then what is kfc?" haha, answer's at the end of this post

anyway what a week, i must say its been a crazy week, and quite a regrettable week i guess. i guess i just didnt expect myself to be so unfocused and troubled with only 1 week to go to my A levels. I thought i would be able to concentrate fully. although i am trying to, sometimes i'd just stop and doubt myself. i guess i really need a change of environment le! oh well, i shall not blog about the unhappy part of my week. cause if i do, i wouldn't be able to stop. its just too many.

anyway to friends and people out there, if i made you guys worried or anything? sorry, but i guess everything has a limit, and once one crosses it, its quite hard to turn back eh?

ooh anyway i was at my friend's house the other day and i realised that TJ PE shirt is actually so comfortable! i slept in it so well! it is so going to be my sleeping shirt. haha, though its quite strange, cause i rarely use it for its original purpose, PE!

"finger-lickin good!"

2008-09-11T01:55:00.002+08:00

wow, today i had the best day of my j2 life so far... i had such a wonderful nap, getting a small break from all that mugging for some much needed sleep is just superb. but i guess, with small dreams popping up in your sleep now and then in that 6 hour nap just makes napping so much more enjoyable! especially when you're dreaming about your favourite person. i guess it really shows how much u miss a friend when he or she constantly pops up in your dream even though you see the person almost everyday. ALMOST, though not everyday. hmm. oh well, though it's quite a scary dream, its just so nice to see people you like in your dreams. hee.

well, so far prelim papers are killer papers. TJC is just so cruel! gosh the papers just dont seem to give you a break. Give me a break! ah well it not going to happen. i just hope i have the will to carry on this prelims. oh well, back to work.

2008-08-28T20:54:00.000+08:00

i am happy today! :D
because i spent time with someone sweet ♥ (:
teehee.

2008-08-24T01:59:00.004+08:00

Greed:	Medium
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Low
Envy:	Low
Lust:	Very Low
Pride:	High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

haha, my lust level is very low! haha, what a joke. but well i guess its a compliment. just an interesting quiz i took from other blogs. quite interesting.

well, today i went to watch fireworks with section and friends. well, it was totally worth it man... the firworks were just amazing, and it was simply breathtaking, stunning, exhilarating, with the accompanying music. the booms and loud explosion made everything even more lively. after almost a decade being deprived of a fireworks experience, todays fireworks did actually bring me back to the times when i was sitting in the national stadium watching the national day fireworks during primary school. it brought out a little kid out of me for a moment. full of awe and full of amazement, as i watched those burst of lights light up the night sky, and light up the many faces of those watching. Smiles galore, and i guess it really did bring out the kid in everyone.

Well then just before the fireworks, it was kinda a XINYUN surprise birthday celebration. I was so glad that it didnt rain today. unlike the other day when it was raining all types of animals. ridiculous raining at times during national day. oh back to the celebration.. haha i guess it was great! at least we cheered up a little girl that was half depressed and half suicidal at times. i really hope that my dearest successor will stay strong and get over this crisis. looking back she reminds me of myself. Well, looking back all that has happened today, in the train, at the celebration, and all that has happened over the past week, is like the replay of my jc life. i see so many people suffering the same fate as i had last year. i really hope none of them have to go through that heart wrenching seperation, and insensitivity. but i guess life is like this, there will be perpetually never ending troubles, for there will be immaturity around as long as people decide to be stubborn and not change for the better.

Sometimes its better to let go. Thats what we all tell each other when something goes wrong, but i strongly believe that if u really truely love a person, you'll be there for him/her no matter what. Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. i watched a walk to remember recently and i remebered this phrase in pink words. its so true. if u truely love someone, you will forgive no matter what, although you will feel injustice and annoyed at times, u will eventually forgive for all you want is just for him/her to be happy. well, almost blew it up this weekend but i guess i try my best to keep them smiling.

though some people are not worth being there for. so be smart and avoid an incoming car. for that incoming car is not a toddler running into your arms. it can kill you. toddlers are slow but they eventually will make u happy when they are in your grasp. but cars are fast, and brutal too. take your pick. choose wisely. i rest my case. and i rest myself. gotta catch some sleep. see ya fellas. goodnight.

2008-08-20T22:07:00.002+08:00

well, today got off to a rather rocky start. or rather yesterday ended off pretty terribly. but i guess if there's a tyrant, there will always be an angel around to balance things out. oh well, life's pretty good now other than small hiccups here and there. but well, though there are like tons things that have the potential to make me unhappy, i shall abide by the laws of attraction and that a smile will be met with another smile, and its a chain of smiles from then. :)

sometimes they're dishonest about the people they're with. but i guess i shall be dishonest by pretending i don't know anything. don't you just love peace. ah.

2008-08-17T01:00:00.002+08:00

Its a happy week! Sometimes silently thanking everyone for the minute and seemingly insignificant things can really make you treasure everyone around you even more. Its just like how my little blue slip of paper reads. "Happiness comes from noticing and enjoying the little things in life." thats so true! If we can all take a step back, take a deep breath, and just look around, and look at all the kindness all around. We can really see that there is good in this world, and that people will always be there for you. Maybe at times they wont be there physically, but they will always have a place in their hearts for you.

anyway today i played my flute seriously for the first time in ages. although it was still alot of unfocused practicing, i felt much better playing it after a long absence from practicing. i shall do some serious practicing tomorrow, during my "break" times in between studying.

i have lots to blog about but for now, but i'm lazy. ending off with an interesting event days ago.. i saw 24 guys and 0 girls on a bus!!! it was quite an unusual sight and so i snapped a photo of it.. but ioh well, i cant load it up, so i guess i'll have to do it some other time..

2008-08-10T01:41:00.003+08:00

RULES:

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag eight people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

so here it goes!

1. What are your reasons for having a LJ

i dun have a live journal. though i'll probably create one soon since LJ has this lock function.

2. What do you do before bedtime?

read computing notes.... zzz... thats probably what helps me sleep eh? hehe

3. What will your dream wedding be like?

hmmm, hmmm

4. What is the city of your dreams and why?

vienna! though i have never been there before, i think its history and all is so rich ad its music scene there is just great!

5. Are you an introvert or extrovert?

extrovert!

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

loving someone/ i think i answered this in my other quizzes.. oh wells lazy to answer

7. Do you trust easily?

yes, and thats why i get conned easily too.

8. What person, dead or alive, is your role model?

none so far. though i like to see things as what i can match up to, and not who i can match up to.

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

the past week yes, but i guess learning from the past mistakes will only make u happier when eventually everything is fine.

10. When's the last time you had fun?

today, just. hehe, thanks for the day, really enjoyed your company though its always nothing to do de.

11. Is being tagged fun?

fun? i guess its interesting as it sets u thinking quite abit. its a good way to reflect on your past and present and hopes i guess.

12. How do you see yourself?

nice and friendly... touchy... hates crowds, the list goes on... i like myself simply put.
13. Who are currently the most important people to you?

everyone is important, and that goes out to all my future potential friends out there.

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

well, quite fierce at times. but she's a nice girl to be with. and she's probably the most caring girl in my class... to me she seems flawless, but thats because i havent really got to know her. but one day when the flaws do show up, i'll still be by her side, for she's ever by my side, when my flaws are so glaringly obvious.

15. Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?

answered this b4 le... married and poor , money can be earned through many means. but true love can only be fulfilled by that very one person that you're meant for.

16. How many children do you want to have, if any?

3! its a good number... helps the population growth. haiz, but i guess really who i'm marrying in the first place.. haha

17.What's better, to give or to receive?

give! its always nice to see a smile on your faces!

18. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?

fall in love with 2 people? not possible, and thats not called falling in love.. thats called infatuation!

19. What would you do if you (or your girlfriend) became pregnant unexpectedly?

the kid wont be mine, cause i'll be saving myself for marriage. hee

20. What are you waiting for right now?

waiting for tmr's study session? the routine studying thats going to earn me my first burn out of the year..

tagged:

xinyun, jermain, michelle, and anyone with the names starting with m , j , and x.... haha thats alot of people eh? anyway this quiz like i think alot of people do before le. its very similar to the other one i did.

2008-08-02T23:12:00.002+08:00

i've been reading articles on forgiveness and how forgiveness is a form of release of all the hurt and pain inflicted on oneself. I guess these days i'm really starting to grow up a little. Throwing less tantrums, Flaring up less easily due to stress. I seem to control everything better under stress over this few days.

These days i've seen myself having the potential of flaring up as easily as i did just last weekend, but i guess putting yourself in others shoes really does help to clear out all the assumptions that are constantly replaying in my mind. We will never be able to read others minds as well as we might think we're capable of. We will never be able to feel the same hurt and pain others are feeling as a result of a mere small remark of ours. So i guess acceptance is the way. Accepting one's flaws and forgiving one's mistakes is the way. We're living in an imperfect world so i guess, unless we come to terms with it by forgiving, we will forever be trapped in our own realm of hatred, away from the candy land thats filled with all the chocolatey sweetness and the buttery creamy centre in everyones hearts.

I was listening to the song called "I Need To Be In Love"by the carpenters, and this 2 lines struck me!
"i know i ask perfection of a quite imperfect world,
and fool enough to think thats what i'll find."
I guess, everyone needs forgiveness. To people out there i've offended, i'm truly sorry for the hurt i caused, and i know it clearly that the fault and blame is mine to take. One day i will muster the courage to apologize. Its never too late, i guess.

2008-07-28T21:28:00.003+08:00

tell me what more better a reason to live. having to face all your ever increasing workloads, and having to face all the stress without any understanding. with people not willing to listen to my explanations, and just too many unhappy with me. what more a better reason to live.

2008-07-23T22:58:00.003+08:00

Just had a long talk with lao shi, and i guess it made me realise that the very people you see now, will never be the same in 10 years down the road. when the world out there becomes more competitive and when money is on everyones minds, you'll begin to see the real world, the true colours of their greed and xu rong. It also made me reflect on what kind of life i would wanna have. A flambouyant lifestyle? or a just a simple life, built on happiness?

A few things that happened this week has left me questioning my ability, and my judgement. Say no more, for my actions will show. I would only allow everyone to let me down, but i shall not let down anyone. i'll try at least.

2008-07-18T00:02:00.002+08:00

a long day, well, as predicted, it was quite a torture. Today i had several occurances of interrogation, which i think i handled pretty well. and thanks to xin yun's sexual interrogation this morning, it left me all tired. haha, which led to quite a disturbing dream. oh well, interrogations can get quite disturbing when its about such sick stuff, but i'm glad to have a friend who is so open about it, and its amazing that its a girl. haha.

well, just wanted to drop by to rant about something, but well its best kept inside sometimes. all i know is that if i continue mouthing those words, i just might be programmed to think that way, and when i do, i guess dun blame me, i tried to avoid it and everyone wanted it! including ....

the world doesnt repay kindness. do kindness out of goodwill, because expecting something in return is wishful thinking. i love you guys all out there thats why i'm so nice to you guys, dont u all just have the basic courtesy to respect that. although i like to think that everyone is sensible to spread the niceness, i've seen enough to conclude that even jc people are immature. i'm happy now, dun be foolede by the content! haha..

2008-07-17T00:25:00.002+08:00

these past few days, i've been having the tummy aches, gah its horrible. feels like there's someone operating a nuclear reactor in your tummy. it just churns and churns and churns, and i'm wondering when its going to stop. argh, its not fun being sick, i thought i'd probably not go school in my condition, but amazingly i still did, i guess i'm not a kid anymore, i cant always have my way.

well, sometimes we let our mindless chatters and casual comments fill our minds, and forget the most important thing about conversations. people are trying to make a point in some way. be it a scolding, or nagging. Or even the mindless chatters that we percieve might not be as mindless as it seems. i just realised that i havent been listening enough, always fighting off conflicting comments, and always hardening myself to critisizm. i need to know how to accept it gladly in my stride, and channel it as motivation. they're making a point, and need to make it a point to observe. its in less than 7 weeks, and i guess whats past can't be rewritten.

torture tomorrow.

How to Distinguish between Love and Emotional Dependence

2008-07-11T02:06:00.003+08:00

The word ‘love’ is perhaps one of the most casually used terms in the English language - so much so that it has become an umbrella term for a whole variety of very different emotions! There is one thing we all agree on - that love is what makes the world go round, and that without it, the world is but a dry empty shell of a place. On the other hand, it is a word we very easily twist around to our own purposes to justify our emotional dependence on a person. If we can learn to distinguish love from emotional dependence and put this distinction into practice, then we make life more beautiful not only for us, but for everyone we come into contact with.

1. Learn to love yourself first

Our remedies oft in ourselves do lie, which we ascribe to heaven.

~William Shakespeare

Often when we are emotionally dependent on someone, we are looking to them as a ‘filler’ to cover over and distract us from unresolved emotional issues in ourselves. In order to truly love someone, we first have to discover and explore what love is, and that means starting with the person you spend the most time with - yourself! We can often name our shortcomings far quicker than our positive qualities, and we are very quick to beat ourselves up for anything we didn’t do to our satisfaction. This all has to change. Try every day to identify your positive qualities and bring them more to the fore and increase them, and when you do make a mistake, try and see it as a ‘work-in-progress’ rather than an absolute failure. When your own self-love and self-respect increases, you are then able to approach relationships with others with much more equanimity.

2. Use the heart

There is no mistaking love. You feel it in your heart. It is the common fiber of life, the flame of that heats our soul, energizes our spirit and supplies passion to our lives. It is our connection to God and to each other.

- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Along with the word ‘love’, the word ‘heart’ is often dragged in to many conversations and used to describe all manner of behaviour good and bad. When we talk about the heart we mean the space in the middle of the chest we point to when we say ‘this is me’ - the place we feel the essence of our being more than anywhere else. It is also where most of our higher and nobler qualities emanate from - empathy, kindness and love.

Emotional attachment, on the other hand is a tangled up array of feelings from the mind and also from the emotional part of our being located closer to the navel. Because the sources of love and emotional attachment are located so lose together, they can and are often confused by the undiscerning person. However, setting aside some time each day for a practice of self-discovery and self-enquiry (e.g. meditation) will very quickly enable you to distinguish one from the other.

3. Don’t expect

“When your love is pure or spiritual, there is no demand, no expectation. There is only the sweetest feeling of spontaneous oneness with the human being or beings concerned.”

- Sri Chinmoy

Social anthropologists often describe many human relationships like a contract - we give our love to a person and at the same time we subconsciously place all kinds of expectations on that person which we want them to fulfill. And then when the other person fails to sufficiently satisfy our demands (which will definitely happen from time to time - we’re all imperfect) we feel let down and angry with the person, our insecurity and fear of not being loved come to the fore, and we often resort to some kind of emotional manipulation to try and get them to fulfill our demands.

True love, on the other hand is like the sun. The sun shines its rays and gives its warmth to all and sundry, without anything in return. This may sound like naivety to the calculating mind, but when we live in the heart we feel exactly like the sun does - we just want spread our love and goodwill anywhere we can. With this kind of love we have detachment - we have no fixed ideas about what way this love should be taken by others, the mere act of giving love satisfies our heart immensely.

4. Learn to let go

Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.

- Hermann Hesse

Often we place mental restrictions on people we love, whether it be parents ‘living their dreams’ through their children, or someone ‘trapped’ in a relationship. True love means loving people for who they are, not trying to channel them into who you want them to be. The greatest service you can do to one whom you love is allow them to grow in to their soul’s highest potential - sometimes this will mean actively helping them, but other times this will mean recognising when you are standing in the way of that happening and getting out of the way!

5. The inner strength: patience and forgiveness

“Patience serves as a protection against wrong as clothes do against cold. For if you put on more clothes as the cold increases, it will have no power to hurt you.”

- Leonardo Da Vinci

To develop love, we also have develop forgiveness and patience. To forgive someone, it helps to see beyond their surface imperfections and appreciate the beauty that lies deep within. Love always goes hand in hand with this recognition of inner beauty inside a person, and when we can see this inner beauty in a person and appreciate it, we help bring that beauty to the fore and perhaps prevent whatever unfortunate thing that person might have done from occurring again.

This world of ours can seem like a downright unfair place at times, but developing this quality of love for everyone you meet allows you to rise above ‘the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune’ that people might throw at you and still keep your faith in humanity intact.

source:
http://www.srichinmoybio.co.uk/blog/life/how-to-distinguish-between-love-and-emotional-dependence/

my dear i love you thats why i wont expect from now i guess. i'll give!

2008-07-11T01:42:00.002+08:00

Oh no. it seems like everyone else is having the same depression i was just having last week. i can very much understand how it feels but i guess it takes alot of courage to tell someone and takes a lot of will to persevere. suddenly it seems like i'm not at all affected by my horrible jct results anymore. maybe i took the whole of last week to get over it thats why. although i still dread tomorrows getting back of results, i would just glance at the slip of paper, and continue my work towards the prelims. i'm still currently not too off my schedule so i guess i should be happy about it. as for now i have someone else to take care of.

been searching myself these days and i guess no one is perfect and no one is ever a perfect lover, or like jeryl said to me, a perfect girlfriend, or girlfriend or boyfriend material. i look around and i see so many couples, that i would never have imagined being together, yet they are so happy with each other! i guess, they really must have put in alot to make it work out so well, as for others i guess its just that i dun see the tiffs and quarrels that they go through. either way its just interesting to see them come together, and how they handle their relationship problems. this year i've probably seen the very reason why adults discourage the youngsters into getting into relationship matters. and i was probably already that sensible to know, but seeing it unfold before your eyes, is cruel. oh well, i guess i shall go for the talk shing wei intvited me over for on love and courtship. i know it'll be long before i get anywhere near that stage, but i shall learn a thing or two, and probably who knows shing wei and i might be love gurus! hehe.

2008-07-04T23:12:00.002+08:00

what an achievement! 7 hours of econs in the school library and surprisingly i'm still not dead! i'm gonna continue my feat and extend the surprising headstart. though its merely the start of my revision, its one thats encouraging.. though i ought to be faster than my current rate.

haiz. when i finished my econs today, it was all dark around me. even the lights had gone off, and i was like a lost soul left uncared for in that dark corner. then, the music teachers came and were so nice! though it did cheer me up a little, i still was feeling very lonely, very unwanted. its times like these when i feel the most vulnerable that i desperately want someone to be with me and just listen to me talk me troubles out, and just accompany through my emotional self. well, i guess i had probably approached to most of the people i thought i could count on for some comfort, but they just shun me like i'm some pariah.

i guess, its just great to have annabelle, cause she's always there for me. thanks annabelle for talking to me and sneaking our conversation outside your house. haha and sorry for losing your 10 cents! but really thanks for the call. felt so much better. you never fail to make me feel so loved.

haiz. i probably swallowed a ton of the bitterest tears i've ever tasted today. the whole bus ride was one that made me look totally stupid. my eyes were like widening so as to stop the tears from dripping, if you know what i mean. luckily i'm strong... i wont cry! and i never did..

i'm so lonely now. does anybody hear me? does anybody see? i'm yearning for so many things now.

2008-07-03T21:42:00.002+08:00

finally, the reality has sunken in.i've lost everything. to be honest its very demoralising. all it took was one week of hell, and i guess there is no return from now on. have started my chionging programme since tuesday, and have managed an average of at least 4 hours of sudying per day if not more. i'm really feeling very scared for A lvls now. thats probably why i'm eevn chionging.

if you do the math, its one month for one subject till the a lvls. and its 2 weeks per subject till the prelims.. its not much time, but it aint too little.. i don't wanna wait till, its too little too late. well, i'll always remember what mr khoo said back in vs, "dun wait till its too little too late" and thats probably the best advise i've ever heard, but sadly thats one that always slips my mind, and thats one that i didnt heed. i'm not prepared to let my past haunt me again.. it was painful and i could feel the very intensity of it when i got back my jct results. somehow tears swell up in your eyes, but u just cant cry, for u're not allowed to show that you're in pain, that you're frail. i guess i'm very much a plastic person, but sometimes i like to keep up an image of being strong no matter what.

doing up my schedule for this final lap to prelims and A lvls. cant afford to screw up anymore! not ready to. somehow this week, i've managed to shelf everything else for the sake of studying, but somehow i cant bear to shelf u aside. gosh, i miss my piggy so much it hurts. ): well, thats life. somehow nobody stands by u, when u need them.

2008-06-28T03:19:00.003+08:00

These few days i've been very much into songs by casting crowns. The words in the song makes so much sense! Not many songs today have that much impact and meaning, and well i guess chirstian songs make good songs. although the few songs i've heard from the band doesnt even mention the word god, which makes me wonder if they are really christian songs, though they do mention a little about christianity. oh well, i guess its the tune thats nice thats why i'm still listening to it!

enjoy!

Looking back thought about some stuffs, made quite an interesting observation i made today! random, anyway, post-exam stress-relieved feeling is wonderful. Though it aint long-lived, i shall chill for now. Have to start the whole cycle to mugging when school reopens. I guess pushing on is the way from now on. the final hurdle, the final steps. i shall make them good.

these days i havent been practicing my flute! i have a bad feeling tomorrow's lesson will be bad, but well i guess i really did need a break from everything.

2008-06-07T23:53:00.003+08:00

woaw, yesterday was great! my family had free tickets to the lord of the rings symphony, courtesy of my dads company. It was fantastic! It was an orchestra with a full choir being it! and with a big screen depicting the different sections of the movie. The full choir was so powerful! together with the orchestra it was magical. It sounded like the actual recording in the movies! At some parts it was so touching, i couldnt control the tears. I have to say this is one performance that has inspired me to do music, for real. though i must say that its a very far fetched aspiration. well. here's a video of that actual soprano singing on that night. the lord of the rings into the west. the last movement of the whole symphony. its beuatiful! enjoy

2008-06-05T00:55:00.003+08:00

Felt weird today. Just feel like penning a thought or two.

Oh wells, What is love? What is hate? People tell me that, Hey its not opposites you know. Yeah i know Love and Hate arent opposites, but many still chose to think that they're the perfect opposites! I guess i can see why people are so insistent in pairing this 2 feelings together. Well, first of all they're Extreme emotions, thats a good similarity. Secondly Usually Love precedes Hate, thats when a relationship goes awry. Good enough a connection yeah?

Well, one thing i realize about Love is that its so hard to convey. One has to go through so many lengths just to please, but once things go just a little wrong, Hate creeps in ever so readily. Somehow i feel that if a little wrong can overwrite so many of the things one tries to do right, then i guess it'll never be enough, for none will ever be good enough.

Recently 2 of my good friends broke up, and broke down of course. i realised that its not whether who it is to be blame for the break up, nor is it what is to be blamed. its about giving and forgiving one another no matter how wrong things go. I dare say that 1 year plus is not long at all. For a relationship has only one intented outcome and thats marriage, and 1 year is definitely not long enough for 2 people to fully understand the other party. I guess its really about forgiving, giving, compromising, trusting, being open, and well its simply too much to put here. well, after seeing what happened, i guess i'm a little scared as to how my first will ever turn out. not fearful but doubtful of its potential progress. haiz, i really hope they sort it out, for i know there is love in them, and that they've dashed my opinion of a perfect couple. i thought they were perfect! argh, now what is perfect?!

dream... dream.. dream dream dream, whenever i want you all i have to do is dream......eam....

goodnight.

2008-05-29T23:14:00.003+08:00

I've never ever done these online lame quizzes, but i guess since its my dear junior that insists in her blog.. haha shall just play along. treat it as something new... though i'm not going to relay this thing.. haha i think its quite err, haha boring.. but i'm bored!

A) People who’ve been tagged must write their answers on their blogs & replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by.

Continue this game by sending it to other people.

#1 If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

shocked, haha cause i choose my girls carefully!

#2 If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
to have little kiddies of my own! the more the merrier!

#3 What will your dream wedding be like?
i wanna a full orchestra playing the background music! haha, and of course lots of toddlers around to make my day! haha

#4 If you could wish for anything in the world, what would it be?
my little girls! haha

#5 What’s your ideal lover like?
no, small isnt what i'm gonna say.. haha..
one thats kind by nature, and giving and forgiving at the same time.
she's oh well, beyond words to describe.

#6 Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
loving someone! to love, i can ensure that she's happy, even if she's not together eventually with me, its always good to know that she's happy! well, being loved is a nice feeling, but i guess loving back is the way!

#7 If you’d chose between marrying someone you really love but doesnt like you, versus someone who loves you but you dont like, what would it be?
i would marry someone i really love but doesnt like me. Well at least i can give her my best, and all my love, and i guess at least i know she's in safe hands, and i know one day she'll love me the same way too.. But hey!, i take marriage more seriously, it must be a mutual thing man!

#8 If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
aw, haha, would feel super sore, but well i guess after my little cheryl chen just left for another guy like that, i can say i'll be happy for her! haha...

#9 Is there anything that’s made you unhappy these days?
what more can i ask for? i'm contented at least for now.

#10 Would you like to be attached?
i'll wait for the right one to come by.

#11 How so you see yourself in 10 years time?
kids kids kids! soccer teams of kids. haha.. well, and of course a wife la (i'm not those type of jerk guys).. haha

#12 Who are currently the most important people to you?
everyone i know (even my dearest enemies, u know who u are) haha, i guess i figured that to hell with all the squabbles, and fuck all those conflicts, i can only offer that much to you guys.

#13 What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
interesting, talented!, quite hard to read sometimes, but yet lovable. never seen anyone quite like her before, but i guess a nice girl!, guys go grab ur chance before her prince charming sweeps her off her feet. and if he does, dun regret!

#14 Would you rather be single&rich or married but poor?
i guess the marriage status and financial status aint important. whats most is important is you ask yourself whether you're happy! and if u are, thats most important! well, but to answer to the question, i wanna be rich, can do so much more!

#15 What’s the first thing you do every morning?
try to wake up? oh and, hug my small pillow! haha

#16 Would you give all in a relationship?
yeah duh! thats the whole reason why one starts in the first place right?

#17 If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
that would never happen, cause she's irreplacable.

#18 What type of friends do you like?
funny people! open people! people who love love love music! anyone would be good

#19 What type of friends do you dislike?
one that judges before knowing. but i guess tht was the past.. grown to like them, cause it seems everyone is like that.

#20 Do you think this quiz is a waste of time?
haha,after doing it, it aint that bad eh? made me think quite a bit! its good. should try it, u'll find some of your answers quite hmm, enlightening?

2008-05-27T21:36:00.002+08:00

Oh, lao shi left for china today, but i'm so glad i managed to cram in lots of lessons before she left and i have to say she's the bestest teacher ever. Gosh, i'm sounding so much better! ah! not up to my expectations yet, but its so much better! now i'm going to train on more etudes and reinforce the correct "sound concept". Well,the last lesson, managed to listen to one of lao shi's student that plans to DSA to TJ. well, i guess this year, it better have more people like lao shi's student like that more enthu and DSA! haha.

Well, Music aside, comes studies next. Oh no, i'm so lagged behind in everything! gosh and my progress is agonizingly slow. i need a miracle to get me through all this. All those notes! All those exercises. Still have to arrange for my outings! argh, feel like sacrificing the outings but yet i cant. i shall get some work done this week amidst all the "fun". Next week i'll start my isolation process.

Looking back at this week, I realise how useless I am when it comes to relationships and friendships. Pushed and strived for what i love, and compromised in everyway possible yet still unable to make everyone happy. Words twisted, Thoughts warped. No wonder all those happened. Regrets, but all i can do is make up to each one of them.

And I shall never ever wash my hands off anyone, not like how i did last year. painful it was but i realise It was kinda foolish for me to do that. i guess she really deserved it, for i really loved her with all my heart, and gave her everything, and she just didnt treasure it, and totally abused it. For now i'm trying to be nice, but i guess i'll always still remember that u were like that once.

there is nothing we cant fix together!

TJCSB Prelude 28

2008-05-11T23:48:00.002+08:00

Well, what can i say. TJ Prelude 28 has marked the end of my life in TJ as a band member. Some how although the concert was a blast, and that i was happy about the success and all, i didnt really feel that bond towards my usual friends, my section, and i guess its due to the recent conflicts and stuff. Somehow i wonder why they critisize me so much behind my back, and act so nicely in front of me. Hypocrites i must say, but i guess i've done my part by acting normal about it. well, its one of those things that have changed my perception of people. they only care about theirs wants. oh well, back to the concert.

went to school early to watch the stage band, and i guess it was still rather shaky then, and ya i couldnt get the ties in time, which led to some unhappiness in some people. but i guess its ok cause i still got them in the end. that was room for finding fault in me and they actually did find fault with me. haha.. amazing, but well thats how it goes. had to pay like almost 100 bucks for the ties. gosh i think the concert day was the most painful one, especially when i had to spend so much in just a day. feel the pinch.

well, then to the concert. I felt that my section really did an amazing job, considering all the conflicts that we had in the recent weeks and even on the day itself, we managed to put aside these trivial matters, and concentrated on our music. I was so happy to hear so many positive comments from all my fellow band friends and musicians that attended concert. i guess, i have to admit that i have a very good section which i have been putting down alot lately. Well, call it too high expectations, or simply pushing for excellence. although i will still say my section is still lacking in alot of aspects, i cant expect more cause its not a star studded section. Anyway GOOD JOB! to my juniors and my fellow batch mate andy. We've definitely put in all we can to do justice to music itself!

Although it has been a rough patch for my section , especially when 2 of the j1s are stage band leaders, and with so many of them having family problems and all of us having stress from school work, and all, somehow we managed to pull through all these. Looking back it seemed like an insurmountable task! but the very fact we did pull through this shows that we're still strong together as a section and as individuals. Although these conflicts has strained my relationship with the section, i'm still glad they're happy with or without me, cause at least they're bonded and that will help alot especially with syf coming very soon. To my dearest juniors, i might seem like i dun care about you guys and all on the surface, but deep down i still care alot. Though i told almost everyone and including myself that i cant wait to leave band and all, i will still miss band and miss the good times i spent with you guys. Well, hate is still present in some of u, but all i can say is that hate can never be eclipsed by the thoughts of those happy times. now that i'm out of band, i really wish that u guys can remember those happy times we had together, and continue to create more happy moments in future, especially with ur new batch of juniors. :)

Gosh i actually wrote that much about my section.

Well, first half was quite good, especially the starting piece hans cristian anderson suite. the start was like BAM, super impactful and grand. Inn of sixth happiness was nicely done, especially with Xin yun solos. In fact i think her playing has matured alot as compared to the first time she came in band. really glad that she came to TJ just like how all the other gods and goddesses have. Heard lots of compliments about her and the section, and i can see them staying strong after the j2s leave. But they'll have lots of polishing up to do. then the next piece die fledermaus, was hmm passable, though it was still very shaky, but u've gotta admit that is one difficult piece, expression wise especially. and the first half ended with highlights from spirited away. congrats to karilyne on her solos. She's definitely considered a DSA student. the stage band was funny haha, not fantastically super funny, but amazing at some parts.. haha.. like the adugan ball thing.. haha.. fucking funny... the butterfly flying that part also mother funny.. haha.. overall i guess what luther said was right, a successful stage band is very important. cause it bonds the j1 batch alot, especially when they have accomplished something together as a team. it is so satisfying that all disputes in the process are merely forgotten. through stage band , through the tough times to be put more accurately, is where people look out for on another and ultimately is when friendships are forged in the process.. Its like have u ever wondered why TJ band is like so successful despite not having feeder schools like VJ and RJ etc. With people from so many different schools, can name u all of them now, VS TKGS ST NICKS TKSS AHS XMS BVSS CEDAR CRECENTGIRLS TMSS AMKSS HSC NGEEANN CCHMS CORAL CATHIGH MARIST DUNMANSEC and i guess many more. i really wonder how we can bond together so well! actually i think the answer lies in stage band. every batch that under goes stage band really bonds the batch tgt in the process. though i'm not sure whether it did this year.. i think that the success will bond them tgt eventually.

Through the concert preparations i've seen so much change in people. For the better or the worst. And i must say that there are some individuals that i must point out that have inspired me and helped me in times of adversity. I guess most of you guys wondered why despite all our sucky practices we still managed to put up such an amazing performance, one that led to happy faces, one that made us the wizards that created this magical night of music and of course drama. well,we wouldnt have been able to do it if not for the comm and music comm people. Thanks for making music making so special comm people. one person i really admire through all these is tommy. Even when i was on the verge of giving up and quitting, he stayed true to his belief that we can pull off a good concert, and his unwavering commitment to the band somehow regained my belief in the band and in my section. i have to say he's really changed alot through out these 2 years. i still can vividly remember how pessimistic he was last year. but i guess we all grow up in times of adversity especially when theres heavy responsibilities on your shoulders. another person i admire is wei xiong. he somehow reminds me of myself last time. so foolishly give everything to the one i love so badly. but i guess through that i could really see how giving and forgiving he was. he was one person i would never expect to turn out like that, but i guess a pleasant surprise is always nice. gosh so many people to admire... i think i should just keep them in my head... and of course, i admire MY CUTE LITTLE GIRL ( its ur code name, haha) for tolerating my nonsense, and for being ever so happy, and forgiving even when i was quite unreasonable sometimes. you're the happiest person i've ever met!

2008-05-04T00:26:00.002+08:00

one night i told myself i loved her. the next night i did something totally unexplainable. the following night it left me very guilty. somehow, i have never ever done anything like that before, especially a no no to a girl, but i actually did it! i would say that i was in no position to also, since i wasnt offended in anyway too... well, now it feels kinda weird. and of course especially when word spreads out. i have to admit these days i have been quite temperamental and all, and i guess its just that there is too many thing on my hands... even when there's a short break from everything else, its time for my mind to wander and dwell on negative thoughts about people around.. of course that little one makes my day from time to time.

well, cant even organize my thoughts properly to continue writting. i guess i'm just tired.

i'm not happy, nor am i sad, nor angry. i'm just feeling very empty. feeling very lonely. i should probably ask my lovely little anna out haha. gosh she sucked it helium and guess what she sounded 10 times cuter! haha.

2008-04-20T00:09:00.002+08:00

somehow today was a very emo day. after band, went to the park to sort of straighten my thoughts out, and make some sense of all the turmoil happening around me. i have simply no words to describe the chaos that has been ongoing this past week.

i dunno why, but i just sat and closed my eyes. it was so quiet. so peaceful. for once i had hoped everything could be back to square one. when i was just the little boy in the corner, all to himself. away from criticism, away from scrutiny. i wished for a world that would not judge so readily. i wished hard, but i guess i wished for too much.

went home, then headed to the playground with anna. somehow being with her made me feel better. i guess just when the whole world is against me, i still have her. even when i do her wrong, she's always cheery and there for me, entertaining me, rambling about her daily ongoings.

i finally realise that i've been trying too hard. given my best. done wrong things due to circumstances. just to see those smiles. i'm never good enough i guess. it seems that i have to always do much more than i'm offering.

i've been always wanting to escape from everything, and just pretend that time will heal everything. but i guess i've come to realise that i will just have to try even harder no matter how much i fail, or no matter how much injustice there is. i just hope that when i have put in everything, they would be accepting and not keep demanding for more.

finally, i will not expect anymore. there is nothing i can expect of i guess.

TJCSB trip to Osaka Japan

2008-04-06T22:39:00.007+08:00

Hey guys, i guess its been a while since being back from japan. so i guess many of my thoughts and feelings have slowly been faded away. i came back from japan to realise that my life was in a mess. in all aspects. i guess the amount of hurt one feels is always much deeper than one might actually expect. well, let me reminisce those moments for now.

2008-04-03T20:53:00.003+08:00

hmm, probably one of the things that made my day was dinner with hui fen! haha, its been terribly long since we've talked. well, i realise that catching up, over dinner, and just random small talk can go a really long way in relationship. best of all, u get treats for free! hehe.. well, i really want to make time for all my friends, but i guess nows not the time.

Been on my books for the whole of this week, that i've been neglecting my social life, and my computer. it is times like these that frustrate me the most, when i have the opportunity to play for so many concerts! with so many invitations, but only to find myself unable to play for any due to a commitment that is of utmost importance. studies.

2008-03-29T23:44:00.002+08:00

haiz, no one is giving me a break! in fact i've enough of living my life. people blow trivial matters into proportions u couldnt have imagined.

i thought i respected him enough and that he would respect me back. but i guess, its not the case. even being sick and asking for a later date was too much to ask for. somehow i feel that everyone is toying with my life. give me space to breath! it seems that what every single thing i do lands me in trouble. tell me how do i choose my decisions?! cause whatever decision i make, i get screwed either way.

then u go on preaching that u dun want to take my interest and all, but then the next day he attempted to deprive me of my only source of emotional well-being. i'm still wondering if i am still in orchestra or band or simply in trouble. somehow my level of respect for u has plummeted at an instant. u dun even give me a chance to explain my situation. u just dun know how tough it is on me, and yet u went on shouting. now u've created a mountain out of a mole hill, u've created more problems for me. i'm already stressed up with my school work, u've created for me more worries.

been staring at my econs notes for the past 10 minutes and nothing is getting in. it just hurts so bad to know that u're in a situation where there's only one outcome, and that is me getting screwed. the worse part is that no one gives a damn about how u feel, cause they want things their way. yes i wish i could split myself into 2 and give u guys ur way but i cant. i'm only human. stop pushing me! i'm pushing myself already. enough

2008-03-13T00:11:00.002+08:00

its day 2 in osaka japan. just back from a day of half touring osaka and half exchange programme. well i must say that the japan bands do have a very high standard. i didnt really believe it until i heard them today.. but what impressed me more was their attitude towrds muscc... u could distinctly tell the dufference between their willing descipline, and our forced discpline... they show so much enthusiasm and passion to learn and improve, whilst we merely sulk and play just because we have to. stark difference. well, i guess thats just how it is in japan, where they spend their time perfecting.. singapore should adopt this "perfectionist" mentality too...

just yesterday i was lying down on my bed, and just when i was about to close my eyes, i realised how time really flies... its been barely one whole year since i step into tj and the A lvls are looming so near. im really starting to feel the pressure. planning to stay in the hotel to catch up with some work, while theyre gone to kyoto, although its gonna be super boring... just feel like pushing everything aside, but i guess i do not have the luxury to do so.

have a couple of thoughts in my mind now, but i have no idea how to express it in words. maybe somethings are better kept to myself.

2008-03-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

now i've misplaced your trust,
i'm prepared to clean up the dust.

though its a large pile,
i'm prepared to go that mile.

ok my peotry sucks too.

anyway sometimes i think saying sorry comes in two forms.
The first is "sorry for breaking your heart".
The second is " sorry, i realised my mistake, and i'll cherish u even more".

The first is a very standard cut and paste template for an apology. You hear it everywhere. In fact its so commonly used, that it has lost its impact, even when one uses it to try to convey a sincere apology.

As for the second type of apology. It is more than an apology. It is also a promise, a one that has to be kept unconditionally. Though it would not necessarily heal wounds. It has the power to rekindle broken friendships/relationships, and strengthen it after every adversity and setback.

i might not show that i'm sorry. i might not know that u were strong about it. but i know that my apology to you has to be the second type of apology. and i guess, you shouldnt trust what i say here. but trust my actions, for actions speak for themselves. (gosh i hope this doesnt applies to touchiness). i'll prove it to you. i hope.

2008-03-02T18:50:00.003+08:00

love this pic, its just so me!
(credit to jermain's wonderful photographic skills)

cuteness!

what a weekend, yesterday was at amk the whole day. although it was one whole day, i must say that it was quite interesting. hmm, i saw what vs used to be, as in that willingness to learn. now sadly, i have to admit band is slowly becoming just another cca. it used be everyones passion, but i guess todays kids are more caught up with their video games and bgr's to even be bothered to embark on this tedious but rewarding journey of music making. well, i guess i'm lucky have a large pool of my friends ever so dedicated to band and to music. without them i would probably have starting sucking rather than blowing.

hmm, i can';t understand how they're so small! so cute! sometimes i cannot help but repeatedly point out to others how lovable and adorable they are. though some people might find my thoughts and actions repulsive and disturbing, others just love me for being me. the feet and hands so round! like eric cartmen in south park. aw, just adorable. its just so tempting for me to stare at. but when u look beyonds whats outside you realise that what you're searching for isnt all that pleasant. well, i guess u can guess why love can turn to hate overnight... i never thought it would happen but people take friends for granted, they don't consider one's feelings, whats more they just take everything for granted. but well i guess i was at fault first, so i better not say too much. it takes alot to make me angry, and when i am i'm mostly rightfully angry. i guess what hurts the most is not the anger, its the disappointment.

well, i see a whole stack of papers waiting for me on my table. i'm off!

2008-02-07T22:47:00.000+08:00

haha got too bored thats why this picture was taken.

anyway, its first day of chinese new year! the first real break i ever had. the past weekends have been just terrible, with practices and homework filling my schedule. Finally i have time to chill!

yesterday talked on the phone till so late, today i ended up waking up at 11am, and guess what all my relatives already downstairs. wah heng arh, lucky got wear shirt. then went down to eat lunch with them. as usual steam boat again. its always steam boat during new year. its like steam boat for every meal. well, lucky my grandma and maid are great at cooking other stuff to add to the steam boat, so i guess its always nice. nothing beats home cooked food. nothing beats the love in it. its quite nice to get to sit down and eat together as a family, with uncles and aunties. havent been doing so for a long long time, since parents always comes back late. but well though we dun have that habit, we should adopt it. oh wells nvm.

hmm every year, chinese new year feels different. maybe its because recently, both my elder siblings have gone overseas to study. it has definitely got much more empty. but well, they'll be back soon. i hope.

ooh, and after lunch, went to grandmas house at AMK. got so many ang pao until i think got over 100 plus dollars le.. well, money doesnt matter i guess.. oh yes and my cute little toddler cousin kissed me! hugged me and kissed me good bye! ah ah! cute cute... i could feel that little cuteness in her! aw! i have to say she resembles abit of audrey. oops.. but dun get the wrong idea.

after that, i went to play badminton with my brother after dinner. was good i guess. we cycled to the condo to play and came back all in a bicycle. after the whole journey i could feel the pain in my ab muscles. haha just tried to play a little bit of flute but it kinda hurt. well, its a good thing.. starting to strain those muscles.

well, these days i realise i've been exercising more often just because of improving my physical aspect for my flute playing.. i still dont have that physical strength, the physical component that takes up 50% of flute playing. i need to work out my muscles out more to keep my air strong. well, and i'm just gonna do that.. next up is pull ups!

2008-02-05T21:34:00.000+08:00

finally, its over. alot of things are over in fact.

well, today marks the end of lessons and the start of a short break from school. School is already enough to bear. Coming home seems much worse. sometimes i need to shut out everything from me and just have some time for myself, all alone.
I simply had enough of people judging me, shunning me. its like i'm nice to them but they just fear me for some reason. they just do not know how hurtful it can be when i try my best to make them happy, but instead make them feel insecure. i guess, its my fault for being too concerned? its my fault trying so hard to be myself. i dont ever trust words. i only trusts what i see. apparently what i see and what's written doesnt seem to coincide.

well, done my econs test, and somehow i only feel half-satisfied. that equals to unsatisfied la. felt that i could really do much better if i had started studying just a day earlier. well, i guess i'll have my chance to prove myself with upcoming physics test.

Its time to revise my studying habits, and time management. apparently its not effective at all. i consider myself quite slack. i'll mug after cny! during cny!

well, tomorrow is road run... planning to go to esplanade library and give myself sometime alone. feel like borrowing some scores from esplanade library and flute at the esplanade roof-top. well, when all my friends are that unkind, i'm only left with me and my flute. sad, but sometimes i just feel that i need a new life, i need a new me. everyone dislikes me, maybe i'm turning to dislike that fact. but well now i'm begining to dislike myself?

2008-01-29T23:58:00.000+08:00

Just got addicted to another of tchaikovsky's masterpieces. His 4th symphony is so different from his 5th symphony. So much more emotion, so much more deeper.

somehow i feel like giving up my flute, band, yo, and everything to do with music altogether. i sound crappy these days... and i'm very troubled by that. i have just lost my patience. somehow i know i wont give up. but it would really be interesting to see how many people will still be my friend with my sucky playing. it would be real stupid to have friend who like me for my playing and not me.

oh well, just a thought or 2, off to sleep.

2008-01-26T23:50:00.000+08:00

The first day to the super market u bumped (literally) into this guy, he fell and u trampled all over him. well, he was quite badly bruised but he could still walk home.

The second day to the super market u bumped into this same guy, but this time u got angry and wacked him up. well, fortunately he still could limp home with a broken leg.

The third day to the super market u bumped into yet the same guy, and this time u had enough of always bumping into him, u pointed a gun at him and just shot him in his leg. well, fortunately, he still could use his phone to call for an ambulance.

On the fourth day to the super market u bumped into the very same guy u shot, and this time u just felt like ramming him down with your car. As u charge at him in full throttle, he saw u coming and knew it all along. just as he was about to cross the road, he stopped at the curb, and there u went with ur car at full speed zooming past him and into another car.

could u blame him?
he saw it coming all along. he didnt call the cops for all that abuse he recieved, could u still blame him for merely protecting himself?
humans are not like the vegetables and fruits u see in the supermarket. U can toss aside an apple and not expect any retaliation. but u cant pick any human being and toss it aside and not expect him to do anything about it. we have feelings, and like u said, i've done it over and over again to u. what makes u think i'm purposely doing it to u? i'm just merely staying on the curb so that i don't get run down by the car. i've always walked into the super market expecting some obstacles to come my way, not that i never saw it coming, i did, but i tried to shoulder everything. somethings has limits. if this is your limit, then i will have to tell u that u pushed my limit far greater. whatever i do to you, before and even now whether nice or not so nice, i have a reason for it, and a reason that is related to u. but whatever shit u did to me last year, was a consequence of ur mood, your interest, and it had nothing absolutely nothing to do with me, not even because u were upset at me for example. try to explain yourself as u might wanna do, it doesnt matter anymore... what ever written here no longer holds any value to me... though we'll always remember the losses and pain edged into our heads ever so clearly, its the victories that we constantly try to relive so as to relief some of the pain. i'm not stepping up to face u, partly due to my anger, but its more because of fear. i'm scared to be honest. i don't want all of that to happen all over again.

I can see the car charging down the road, and can hear the gun shots, i can feel the bruises and open wounds being repeatedly pounded on. u expect me not to be scared. u tell me how u would feel if u were in my shoes. so stop judging me..... and its not only u... ALL OF YOU. stop judging me, cause u know nothing. i'm a bastard because people tell u i am. its kinda funny, cause i didnt happen to think that u are a bastard when someone else told me u were. see it (what happened in the past) for yourself, and then judge. if not keep your opinions to yourself.

2008-01-24T23:08:00.000+08:00

one thing i learnt today is that, everyone puts up a front. be it a nice one or a not so nice one its doesnt matter, cause no one is sincere at all. i have learnt to accept that i guess most people are like that. although i'm wasting time on them, i'll continue doing so, cause there isnt anyone else thats i can actually find worthy of ..... oh well, i really thought she was better than that. i guess i thought too higher of her. she just like them. its always so disappointing. well, i've actually got quite tired of being nice.

2008-01-22T21:23:00.000+08:00

just when i thought all will be well, then he appeared again and gave me those shit. sometimes i really wonder why i'm just tolerating and holding myself back from hitting him. the urge is compelling, but it always ends up with a polite smile, and thank you. even when i'm seething in anger. i'm not even given a chance to explain myself. he assumes that whatever glitches that do appear is a fault of mine that has to be solely blamed on me and only me. its not easy to comply. i'm trying my best. please just let me be. give me one day of peace. just one day will do.

well, just came home from a tormenting day at school. had sectionals which was well, i cant exactly put words to the feeling then. i mean like i cant even set a specific day to hold a full-attendance sectionals, and had to resort to this. double the time, half the effectiveness. i really hate the time-table. i'm just hoping the second intake time-table will be better, and thati can set a uniformed day. I'm just so tempted to set it on a saturday. I know that sounds extreme, but i really can't stand "unproductiveness". gosh i know i cant blame the schedule on my members, but it's so freakin frustrating. i dun care le. from next week onwards i'm gonna have night sectionals.

band aside, studies have been pretty lag. i'm so appalled by my maths lecturer. i've effectively thrown the topic vectors out of my A lvls maths exam paper. i've never felt so hopeless on one topic ever b4. well, its time for maths extra lessons. i;ve really got to buck up fast. another worrying subject happens to be econs. i just need more time to read... and understand...

life in j2 indeed is no life. if i show u my schedule during school hours and after school hours, u'll probably kowtow to me.. haha.. just kiddin..

2008-01-05T16:35:00.000+08:00

well, its been almost a week into year 2008, and i've still yet to settle my thoughts down and concentrate on the task at hand. the only task, to complete all my holiday homework! its been pretty frustrating to drift off into your own world of thoughts during study time. those scenes just keep flashing back. its really baffling. i don't seem to be able to piece them together to form a logical explanation.

By the looks of my schedule for the this year, i have to say i'm even more frightened and worried about my time management. I have just too many commitments, and mostly all related to music. Although i love to be involved and all, i don't see myself being able to cope with the mounting pressure posed by my studies. currently i'll leave my sundays mondays and tuesday for hardcore studying, though i should be doing that for every single day.

just came back from flute tutor.It felt really great to have wang lao shi back. i have to admit i'm the type of student that plays rubbish and get my techniques all screwed. but after wang lao shi's lessons, i always seem to get back that sound, though not perfect, but somewhat what i'm aiming for. i sound better now.. i hope i can keep it that way. lao shi just picked some pieces for me to play for grade 8, so i guess i'll be practising them, but most importantly, i'll start with the etudes first... all sounds damn nice sia..

i'll marry you some day. just some day

2008-01-04T22:27:00.000+08:00

a kind of truth that baffles, but yet frees you from all the queries. i found it, i did not like, but i've learnt to like it. single and free was their motto. mine's attached and free too. haha. with mr flutey of course. we're gonna have a great time.

TJCSB Fiesta flutes section outing - Pulua Ubin Cycling

2007-12-29T01:34:00.000+08:00

hehe, just got some good quality pictures from jermain, from the section outing yesterday. well, i guess yesterday was nice. haha, though i must say ubin was much more developed than i expected. well, we went to cycle around ubin, which was pretty must mosquito infested. got bitten by mosquitoes all over. though they particularly loved my legs. yep, well i realise that my photography skills are like super bad, haha.... just look at some of the pics and u'll understand why. well, i'll let the pictures do the explaining... enjoy.

2007-12-23T22:58:00.000+08:00

here's my performance at the esplanade for the tj chamber ensemble.... haha didnt know someone took a vid of it... well... its kinda awful and parts, but forgive me, and give me constructive feedback yeah? thanks.

2007-12-22T01:06:00.000+08:00

haiz... now currently telling myself to be strong and not be so dependent on others for my emotional well-being... i've already gone through this countless of times, and i'm going to tell myself the same old thing... dun fall into that trap just like how all the others youngsters have... stay free, and be myself... though argh i'm resisting something thats so irresistible, its kinda making me feel tempted to just give in to that urge...

sometimes words do matter just like how she said it...argh... to hell with words...

TJCSB Fiesta MOOZIC Performance, TJCCE It Takes Two Performance, TJCSB Flute Section outing

2007-12-17T20:18:00.000+08:00

Hey guys, its been long since i've blogged. just came back from dinner with family.

Well, finally i have pictures to put up! hmm, well, TJCSB fiesta moozic ended just the day before yesterday. it was really fun having to play with my "new" section members, and i have to say they made me proud. In a short span of lets say 4 weeks, we developed a nice section sound. and i guess it was due to their hard work and dedication that it was possible. Never once have they grumbled about sectionals time, duration or ..... they just complied and coorperated... I am really thankful for having the sec4s, esp flutes. really hope to work with most of them in the future. well, concert wasnt perfect, but every fiesta wouldnt be perfect, so i guess we can take some consolation from that. the most important thing that one must take away from every performance is confidence. every concert one performs builds ur confidence. hmm for the first time, someone made me a little nervous. i see cladys so nervous, has kinda having short shallow breathing le. but i guess, i shoul.dnt be so affected. good job on the solos, esp cladys and jermain. marked improvement. thanks andy for taking care of our sec4 kids, and for giving high quality entertainment. hehe.. well, i'll let the pictures speak for themselves, and u guys enjoy.

well, i shall continue. before tjcsb's concert, i had a mini peformance at the esplanade concourse on wednesday and thursday... did poulenc second movement with yao guang, yao zhong's twin bro... haha.. kinda cool, two different twins doing a kinda duet. anyway, the second day was much much better than the first. my cladys and jermain was there to watch, haha and hui fen happened to be be there too... haha, and there came the piccolo goddes. man i was so pressurized to play well... damn stress when xiao cui came sia... haha.. but i guess i remained cool and thats good. the poulenc tune got was stuck in my head for quite awhile. until we went to have dinner at pizza hut, which was ms loo's treat.. hehe.. oh yeah and before that was flute section outing, which was fun i guess... ice skate until got blister... a big one to be exact... it wasnt healed yet! grr, its kinda painful yesterday when the scap leaked pus and the whole wound turn white like yogurt colour. reminded me of those open wounds feeding maggots... eww.. haha.. well, i lazy to write le... enjoy ur last two weeks!!! i'm gonna chiong hw, grr...

SNYO performance

2007-12-12T00:50:00.000+08:00

well, its kinda late to post this, but its kinda like a habit for me to post on the concerts i perform. so here it goes.

hmm, the concert was very enjoyable i guess, at least that was what my friends commented. played pieces like tod und verklarung (deatha and transfiguration), dance of the hours, garden viels.... hmm, death and transfiguration is one of the most touching, and meaning pieces i;ve ever heard. so much emotion, so much power, aggression, yet sometimes it feels like you're gazing at the northern lights in awe. i dont really know the piece well, as in the story line beind it, but its as if this dying old man is reminscing his life, his happy moments, his love life, his struggles..... whcih i can very much relate to my daily life... its just so many ups and downs. its no wonder this piece could bring tears to ones eyes. just like how it did to the conductor the rehearsal b4 the concert. i guess mr lim did have a hard time having to deal with those setbacks(not going to mention), and the pain would be immense just by thinking about it.

i'm so glad that hui fen who knows nth bout music, enjoyed the pieces. she was like super enthu bout the concert to the point where i kinda got scared haha.. grr and she pinced my cheeks... thats a sin .. anyway glad that she could come.
thanks for the veg xin yun, though i really couldnt put it to good use... hmm, i would have if it was an oboe, hehe, but a brinjol, hmm what could i have done with it... hehe..

it was very nice to be able to play tgt with chien teng again. nice playing with daniel and zheng yi.. realise that dan and zy all know xin yun... hmm the world is small eh.

well, next year there will be another concert at march, very much looking forward to it... there will be like so many more flautists, hehe can make more friends i guess...

2007-11-26T01:30:00.000+08:00

maybe its time to let go. can i take the blame forever? i want to, but its not nice. i've been clenching my fists, those teeth, i've tolerated enough. why cant i get the same understanding back from her?

someone help me, i think i'm hanging on too long.

2007-11-25T04:02:00.000+08:00

we quarreled again? just because of something so trivial. its always the case. well, i've got to learn to not to provoke, and just stand down at times. but for now i guess its better for us to keep that distance.lets not force anything, and go on. somehow i feel that my friendships with younger people are very unstable. one day we could be as close as lovers, and the next day, we could end up in a quarrel, or cold war. no, i'm not refering to one person, its very much the case for almost every of my young friends. well of course not my vs juniors la. i dont know why it can be great, when it comes to my other friends, but just not so great when it comes to younger people.

well, i managed to pull some people to come to our practices and hopefully they do turn up on monday or the coming week. i hope for the best, meanwhile, i had better get ready my materials for my section. i've lost my teaching skills le, not that iu had any in the first place, but well, i hope i can improve on my sectionals with the juniors. i just hope they can work their pieces b4 coming. i know the pieces are a different league from the sec school, but if i can play them, its not impossible. well, i'm not exactly good at the pieces to be honest, so i'd better get down to work, but that'll be after yo concert.

oh yes, and hopefully the band can come for the yo concert, and kinda get the feel and sound of an orchestra, afterall, we're aiming for a wind symphony sound right?, very much that of an orchestra!

2007-11-18T13:57:00.000+08:00

a very rough week. all the shit just has to happen in one week. i know its not exactly pleasant to always blog about negative stuff, but it is simply too much to take! i swear i almost wanted to kill myself when i got the phone message from wei xiang. no one is giving me a break!

my own tjcsb is not doing too well too, and the frustrating thing about it is that i have no power to do anything about it. i know how its done and all, but i'm just in no position to do anything. its just like in vs, i wanted to do so much, but everything is in my way.

actually i planned to blog all my frustration, but i guess its pointless after all. no amount of blogging will relieve me of all these.

lastly, i've work all these years to build up a good reputation as a nice person and all, and its unfair to flame me in front everyone! lets say about 100 musicians?! u can insult my playing, u can insult my character, but u cant insult my attitude. i take my music seriously.

finally, i'm sick, flute playing sounds bad, voice sounds bad. everyone plz give me a break? plz?

2007-11-15T15:02:00.000+08:00

argh, the worst day of my "holidays". woke up in the morning with this bad sore throat and i dont know exactly if its fever, but i has burning up. last night i went home completely drained of any energy. i flunk myself to bed and just slept after some call, knowing that tomorrow will be a long day. well my daily 3 hr sleep for almost the whole of this and last week is finally taking its toll on my health.

my schedule is full from morning to night in the following november, i wonder if i'm really able to survive this. i guess this will be a good estimate or guage of what is to come in my work life in future, in terms of time constriants that is. Later still have yo practice. i guess i'll have to go for that despite feeling like shit. i just know all too well that 75% attendance is not going to an easy task to achieve if i keep procrastinating and all. just look at my sectionals, i wanted to go with karilynn, but it always ends up that i'm busy or what. it feels so bad that i prioritize others before sectionals. but i have no choice. sorry karilynn.

2007-11-12T21:19:00.000+08:00

hmm, i was flipping through my primary school report book and i was quite taken aback. hmm more accurately put, pleasant surprised! i didnt know i scored so well in sec1 cause of a band 4 for chinese. other subjects were fantastic.. 80 90 plus sia. that just goes to show that one failure can do all the damage needed to slap the failure word on my face.oh well.. and its so amazing that i can get STRAIGHT As, for primary 6, with some A* here and there and still be 22 in a class of 42. well its true that my class was like the smartest kinda? at least thats what i thought of them. but to get 22 out of 42 with all A's just shows how competitve we're since young. i wish for such results now! oh well. i hope i can get better than the E's i achieved. hmm.. E for excellent? hmm i guess not.

finally off to work tomorrow. not particularly excited, but with my buddies jiayi and shing wei. it could be exciting. well i just hope nothing goes wrong on my first day. well that aside, after work, have to be back in school for sectionals with karilyne and then off to tution with wang lao shi.

i must say wang lao shi's excersies she lent me are very difficult! argh, i'm losing my sound when i practice that yet my technique seems to improve at the expense of my sound... argh.. frustrating but i'll push on.

NAFA Orchestra Concert

2007-11-07T06:52:00.000+08:00

hmm, yesterday i went or a concert after so long. i havent really found time to since promos, and i must say it feels great to listen to performances again. Although i was very tired, i still went on to watch the performance. Hmm could'nt keep awake for some parts of the concert but i guess still enjoyed it. 3 sleepless nights is torture. Well, the orchestra played beethoven 3rd symphony andsome other pieces. Hmm i was really hoping they would play beethovens 7th symphony. but well the 3rd was equally as beautiful. hmm haha though i did accidentally miss read "eroica" as "erotica". Hmm just imagine beethoven composing "erotic" music. eww. hehe.

Generally i feel that their playing was enjoyable and it was magic at times! especially some of the solos, it totally smacked me up from my sleep and into another dimension. oh man. i can still remember that oboe sound! the horn was amazing too... hmm this brings me wonder how these musicians are so much better than me despite having the same times i had on the instrument. Well, i know that they do have an upper hand with tutors, but well i guess i'll see how i'll fare with one myself soon!

Ooh, finally after so long, i'm going to get a tutor!
Hmm, its just kinda awkward to approach the tutor for lessons now.. haha.. i think i'm supposed to ring her up to schedule for my first lesson. omg, 4 days of band, 2 days of orchestra, and 1 day of tutor. its effectively 6 days of the week taken up! wheres the time l;eft for my holiday homework! where is the time left for myself!

Hmm earlier on. i went for the snyo briefing, and it came to me that i have barely one year or maybe even less left in snyo. barely one year of tutor left! so i'm determined to makes sure i do well for my 5 stations and 2.4km run so that wont have to be enlisted for army so soon, and get the extra 3 months of tutor! hehe. i should really start planning my time for exercise, music and school work soon. this "holidays" is crucial for my survival next year.

hmm numbers look promising. i hope more of u guys out there would pop by for TJCSB's tune-in on the 16th of november, and hopefully play for our year end concert on the 15th december! hehe, i've lots of concerts to promote... do come support k!

2007-11-05T01:36:00.000+08:00

haiz. i can't sleep again. Too many things running through my mind. Too many flash backs. I just feel like picking up the phone and punch in those numbers. I can still remember the old number, as for the new one, i havent memorized it. i want someone to talk to, i need someone to confide in. Especially at this hour, where everything gets so quiet, and i'm left all alone in this dark corner. It's as if i'm being pushed to the corner by my own thoughts. everything points back to me. every mistake points to me. it seems that i'm the only sinner.

And yes, finally after so long. i could no longer blame her, or anyone else. i was at fault. i guess my efforts to placate all parties failed. i was so close to bridging the gaps, but i guess it just takes one party out of all the willing parties to foil the plan? i dunno what to do to help le. nicholas, thanks for listening to all my pleading. i'm feel so stupid now, but it was useless afterall. never have i pleaded so hard for anyone before. forgiveness works 2 ways. its never easy to win your enemies trust, its also never easy to forgive your enemies. i guess its also never easy to be the one in the middle? i dunno what to do le. i guess i have already too much on my hands, and caring is soon not going to be an option altogether.

thanks ximin caryl and huifen... haha why all of them girls de? haha

2007-10-25T22:21:00.000+08:00

just when i thought my world had came crashing down on me totally 2 months back, i heard this voice. it was that of a 3 year-old. Barely sober from my depressed state, i wondered if it was my mind toying with me. she sounded too cute to be true, yet she knew what she was talking about unlike a real 3 year-old. clutching this new phone that replaced my beloved samsung d600, i smiled. finally for the very first time after so long, i smiled. although she wasnt being replaced, somehow someone else filled the void left by her.

Every single day i just look forward to that simple call. I just look forward to that voice that i would go crazy over. it is just like how i look forward to play my flute everyday after school in the past. the only difference is that i can't control the frequency of calls i'm receiving and the time which as to which i'm going to recieve it. Now that holidays are over, less calls, less attention. no one calls me anymore! i'll be staring into the screen from time to time and just praying for that voice again. well it certainly hasnt come for a long time. if it has, it's for that pathetic negligible amount time only.

i guess my friends have grown sick of me. haha. its a funny conclusion, but it seems so. haha.

well i have no worries bout that cause, i'm gonna make a whole lot of friends this coming week and for the whole of this holidays.

hmm after planning out my holidays just like how i did plan my schedule for the exam time table, it seems like its gonna be a real busy 2 months. lots of practices and concert preparations and holiday homework. Hmm, it looks as if i'm not going to fork out enough time to earn some income. I desperately need some good flute tutoring job. i want the experience desperately.

u're like my own child. i feel the need to protect you, and love you unconditionally. i dunno if its love, but if it isnt, i really dunno what it is.

2007-10-25T01:28:00.000+08:00

i somehow foresee that this whole thing will repeat itself. by then, i'll do what is right for you, and not what pleases you. you wont like it, but if i truly love you, thats what i have to do.

2007-10-17T22:59:00.000+08:00

looking ahead, i saw this smile in the sky. It was the moon, smiling ever so brightly in my gloomiest moments. And then i saw him. His face. It fitted nicely into the crescent. It was his smile. I looked into the _ _ _ _ _ _, and he gave me this peaceful feeling, and i knew he left in peace. Although deep inside i felt a great loss, i couldnt explain why, because i wasn't very close to him.

Today we felt lost. It was all too sudden. The day before i just went to visit him, though i didnt really get to see him, and 36 hours later he's gone. Deep inside we are filled with grief and seething in anger. Finding words to describe our emotions, but ending up uttering gibberish. Injustice and "unfairness"fuel our anger, but we could find no blame on others to relief ourselves off this immense anger and anguish.

Their eyes were blank, all staring into blank space. Some teary. Some quivering. And others just simply blank. I looked around and these small young juniors had to suffer this much this year. It hasn't been a fantastic year for them, yet they had to go through this. I want to go back in the holidays and give them my support. I'll do VSCB's music proud, just like how he did in his student conductor days.

The Last thought of the day before i wrap up this whole chapter of my year. The teacher asked us to close our eyes and think of the happiest moments that wrixon had spent with us and that we keep that picture in our heads, for the days , weeks, months, and years to come. I searched inside, I remembered how he looked like. I remembered his voice. I remebered everything. But i couldnt find a picture. Till finally i saw him with the soccer ball. It was just one of the very random moments where your brain snaps a picture that imprints itself into you. I begin to wonder, why everyone had entire collages in their brains and i only have a mere picture. Maybe i felt at an extreme loss, due to the lack of effort i had put into knowing him better.

I know what to do. Thanks wrixon. At least today i've learnt something.

2007-10-14T16:29:00.000+08:00

Argh, i just don't get it. Why do people judge so readily?

Its just so frustrating to have give all your effort only to find that all these efforts land you back to the same state as you were. Isnt it very selfish to not even give it a chance, not even letting youself know what it really is about, and just condemn it just like how you've condemned all the other things in the market. I just don't get it why my parents always stand in the way of what i deem as successful and good for my education and experiences. I know the reason behind their concerns and and all, but isnt it time to let me taste failure for myself? isnt it time that i get scarred and bruised. I dun want to be sheltered all the way. No risk no gain. i just want you to prove to me that it is not worthy of my time, and not just dismiss it as a waste of time. they don't even want to prove to me and they expect me to understand. i'm super confused now! I dun like to judge things before i know them well enough(its relative though), and now I have my parents showing me the opposite.

Then next comes my tutor. I don't know what has gotten into her, for whatever things, she'll push the blame on me even when its my brother's fault. It so frustrating that whatever i do is always wrong. At least it seems so. Somehow i've tried to tolerate by shutting up, but its really too much sometimes, and i'll just retaliate.

Apart from idiotic friends i have in school who oh so think their so big, and their ginormous egos and all, i have myself to question. I dunno if i'm starting to get arrogant? over what i clearly am clueless, but this is what my tutor is trying to tell me, and it is so frustrating cause i dun celebrate my sucky results, i dun even celebrate a full mark question lar. I really dun get which part of me shows arrogance. Flute? maybe flute? ah well i suck at it, what to arrogant about? my tone in my speech? nah save it. Haiz, give me answers! Apparently they say i've changed, and for the worse. Then show me how i have! I havent!

I so have this urge to rebel. Its the strongest urge i've ever felt so far. To just skip tuition, heck care those egoistic people, and just continue with my work. I know its killing myself, but isn't it time to think for myself? I'm just this fucker living to please others. Finally I found it stupid after so long.

2007-10-11T20:03:00.000+08:00

i'm angry at alot of people, somehow they all just don't seem to be humane at all. Today i witnessed one of my friend being insensitive to my other friend. It left me speechless for a moment, shocked. Though it wasn't directed at me, i could feel that pain. Its just so insensitive, and the remark was passed in a manner like it was a matter of fact kinda thing, when it was just his mere immature view. I begin to question his character, though he's been my "friend" for a considerable amount of time (more than 1 year). I dunno if u call this backstabbing, suaning, or just pure display of immaturity, but what comes around goes around and i guess people think its ok to just go around and flaunt their immaturity, since they'll get stabbed back in the end.

Selfish! totally selfish! Its ugly. Though i detest such behavior, i cant show it, cause everyone else around me condones it. Look around, no ones standing up for the victims! and i'm just another ordinary guy too timid to stand up for my own thoughts. It hurts to see such acts around. What happened to my perfect world? What happened? i cant see how people can bring themselves to do such things to others. don't they feel the least bit of guilt at all?

well, the next person that is going to act how they did today and what i witnessed today, i'll be harsh. Years of friendship doesn't mean i'll condone your actions for the sake of your friendship.

2007-10-11T01:21:00.000+08:00

So, here it is, my promo results. Dissapointing really, but as i've said no regrets, whats done is done. managed to scrape through promos i think, with a GP, Econs and Maths passes with others not so important ones. thats forms 2 H2 passes right? hmm it should be. it better be. Well, i'm very shocked by math. maybe its just one of those papers where things can go terribly wrong all at one go. I foresee trouble ahead at my progress. The holidays are more studying le. i've got to cut back on my music and work liao. Treat it as punishment for scoring so badly, or in another way it is to compensate for the lousy results.

School is never the same place it used to be. There was something to look forward to in the past, but now band doesnt seem as appealing, people dont seem the same anymore. i need to find a new purpose and new drive to motivate to me to go to school!

These days i have been starting to think of ways to approach people and ways to start a conversation. after all the work i'm working at requires talking and communication and promoting. and that it would be helpful for me during fiesta i guess. i can see myself being perfect, but can i actually do it on actual scenerios? that is left to be answered. you'll see this coming days and weeks.

what i can change i will, what i cant, i have no control over.

2007-10-07T23:03:00.000+08:00

today was tiring. last night i stayed up the whole night till early in the morning 7. my grand-aunt just passed away and i had to help "shou ye", if thats what they call it. hmm, i didnt dare to look into the coffin somehow. maybe its because the only memory of her is during chinese new years where she will always smile and all, and i dun want that memory to be eclipsed by what was inside the coffin. i took a quick peek in at one point, and somehow i kinda felt that she passed away peacefully.

It was a long night, and since i had not planned to stay over, i didnt bring anything to entertain myself. luckily i had my mp3. i kept listening to rachmaninov 2nd piano concerto, and it seems to get better the more i listen to it. ashkenazy's version was what i was accustomed to, afterall i've been like listening to his recording for countless of times. but today i managed to find this pianist's version, Alexis Weissenberg. along with herbert von karajan, they did magic. his rubatos are timed to perfection, till that point where u can feel those heart strings being toyed around ever so often. Although some parts were kinda abruptly cut, it was still the best i've heard. impressed impressed. beethoven 7 symphony is the one i'm gonna fall for next.

hmm today i woke up at 1:30, and chionged to meet kenny for the job introduction. Hmm it seemed kinda interesting. I'm really looking forward to start the 2-day basic training and start work! come to think of it, its really not the money that matters, its more of what one can bring away from the experience. well i see it as a free apprenticeship , and i guess its good to always start early. hmm although the money would be a great incentive. hmm i could get to meet and make friends along the way too. enriching it will be. so i guess i'll have to cancel more of my previous plans i've made in the holidaysto accomodate my work and hopefully my studies? hmm and i got lucky today, i got to meet one of the big-shots in the company today, and had a chat with him. hmm i've got to see a bigger picture about choices and options today after talking to him, and i guess i am lucky to have parents that believes in letting their children experience what it is like outside away from the sheltered walkways. i see it as a challenge and hopefully i can face it just like how i did with my music back then.

well tomorrow i'll be getting back my promo results. judgement day. do or die. make or break. either way i think i shouldnt have regrets for i tried my best and i believe the best would only get me what i rightfully deserve. i just hope that my efforts will show in the results. and good results would rightfully reflect that. but i guess in life sometimes its not always the effort trhat counts only. many other factors contribute too.

praying for tmr.

2007-10-05T19:24:00.000+08:00

finally after saying so much, i've nothing to say. i cant find words to explain my actions and reactions. finally after so long, i feel no longer. i dont choose to anymore.

2007-10-02T17:20:00.000+08:00

This M1 advert. damn funny

Hmm, today was good i guess. had barely 3 hours of sleep before i had to rush to school for nigels mep exam. now i'm super tired. surprisingly, today i sounded much better. i had more control with my technique and my tone was quite consistent through the registers, except for slight glitches. I'm so thankful that i did not slaughter the piece as bad as i thought i would.

The high E to C transitions kept splitting, and that was one of the things i realise i was weak at. I have to really work on the tone of my high E, its hair-raisingly shrill. Another problem was double tonguing, and that problem has been around for some time. i really need to sit down, focus and train it. At this rate i'm going, my techniques will have not improve.

Well i can blame my poor performance today on promos, that made me lose touch with my flute, but i guess i wont. I only have myself to blame when it comes to how prepared i am. early morning woke up late, chiong to school on an empty stomach, and wore the wrong attire, plus made nigel worry. I think i really do have a discipline issue, and also a responsibility problem. sorry nigel! really ashamed of myself, and very sorry.

At least now i recognise that if i continue to be late for every single performance and schedules, soon i'll lose everyones trust gradually. alot of last year's absence was due to clashing of timings. this year i shall be wiser to choose more important events, so that i wont be mentally drained at the end of the year.

For now its PW time. argh EOM. WR. OP. haiz. thats just jc life i guess. Even after exams end, there is still lessons and all. good for education, but bad for mental health.

I just took a glance at cheryl's and tessa's compositions. wah the tessa one looks difficults.. the music abstract sia then the rhythm and accidentals spam like free. hmm probably trying to play it tonight...

i just suffered my first defeat this year. someone proved me wrong. this year someone actually proved me wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! . now i've seen the world. haha. its not going to change me, but its gonna change one thing. and you know it. i'm being too nice sometimes. well if i cant handle someones 2 years younger, i'm confident i'll handle those one year younger and 3 years younger better. who knows they might just be appalingly more mature. haha.

2007-09-28T15:45:00.000+08:00

One more paper to go! Physics! i must die die pass it.. no way around it man... its do or die. anyway i'll start chionging ina a while. Shall continue where i left off.

Hmm, its been such a tiring week, with all the tests and studying. I was so tired yesterday that i dozed off while doing the chinese paper. luckily for 5 minutes only. though that 5 minutes seemed to go by so fast. hmm came home lazed at the TV. and the amazing thing was that i slept half way while watching some show. incredible. then forgot to charge my phone, in the end my message inbox was flooded with messages in the morning. hmm im still in high demand i guess. hehe.

well, it will never be the same. but i'll still be me i guess. hmm just that i'll only be better than what i am now.. hehe.. i'll be a better person.. speaking of being better, hmm these days i kinda numb to negative things i see and feel. i used to react strongly and voice it directly. hmm but i guess i've become more calm and composed? nothing much to aggravate my mood recently. i hope that next week will be an even better week than this week, cause i'll never play good music with my mind constantly thinking of stuff.

actually come to think of it, ive never actually played real music at all the performances before. especially this year when there have been so many setbacks in my life, and so many hurdles in my way. playing music hasnt been my top priority, cause someone else have been. and studies have driven music to the 3rd place on my priority list. I want to just lay music at that moment, but its not say u can bring you mind off things at an instant. haiz. i guess i will have to put everything aside and just play musicif i wanna be good.

some things can change, but some things will always stay the same. i've already accepted it. moving on...

Swan Lake on Ice

2007-09-17T00:24:00.000+08:00

Just back from dinner. Its by far the latest i've eaten dinner this month, but i guess it was worth it. I was on my way to tuition when shing wei called me and invited to me to watch Swan Lake on Ice!, in place of his mum, cause she was busy with work. Felt kinda bad cause the ticket was rather expensive and he didnt want to let me pay for it, but i guess i'll find a way to pay him back.

Ever since i've watched the tchaikovsky symphony no. 5 ice skating routine, i was totally mesmerized by how the emotion evoking music of tchaikovsky's works and the sheer brilliance and grace of those talented ice skaters merge to create magic. Music does tell a story, however it has alot to do with ones interpretation and imagination. Add in the skating and dance, and you have it more clearly presented to you. Its like you're serving the audience the story, instead of letting them guess? hmm thats what i felt. Back to Swan Lake. I'm super impressed by their synchronization and choreograhpy. The story, music and choreography were so in sync, especially at the sad parts, that it brought me tears at some point. It seems like i'll be humming the Swan Lake tune more often these days. It just keeps replaying in my head!

I'm so inspired to learn to ice skate! I remember shu fen once told me bout some ice skating place in jurong b4. audrey said it was fun too. i use to question "how fun can it be man, i mean its just skating mah." now that i've seen the pros live, it is definitely the type of fun i'm looking for. but well i guess my first time will be filled with bruise and bumps? who knows, i just might be lucky enough to crack the ice ring with a fall. hehe.

Yesterday I finally picked up my flute, and I must say that it was frightening how thin i sound. AHHH! I wanted to kill someone when i heard that horrifying tone. Hmm, i'm beginning to suspect its my flute that is letting me down, but i shall be a gentlemen and blame my own techniques for producing those noises.

YAY! A few more chapters and i'm done with MATHS!!!! PHYSICS done half way, Push On!!! COMPUTING is still in dire straights! I'm threading on very thin hope of even passing if i dun start tomorrow. The more worrying thing is that i dont know how to start! I'm taking a huge gamble on ECONOMICS. I'll do selective studying and pray that i'm one lucky chap. By far the greatest worry is GP! I've never passed any exam-situation practices!

This is the last week before exams! I really hope that my efforts will not go to waste. I hope for the best. Kejian, you can do it! I know i can! hehe.

2007-08-18T13:51:00.000+08:00

I'm super happy for once. yay!, and i have got to thank someone.. hehe.. anyway, i was scrolling down some pictures taken in the past, and yar some quite recent too, and realised how much fun and smiles there were back then. i missed those times. back in VS, back in US, back in Dec hols, back then simply put haha. Hmmm, now that my camera phone is smashed up, i havent been able to tae any photoes!, grr, but well, soon i'll be taking some, with a real cam.

haha my phone used to be able take photo, listen to mp3, and of course talk and sms. hmm now i guess i'll be having all those functions again!! no no, its not a new phone that i'm getting, haha, just merely using my old phone, then get a new mp3, and a camera. hmm, budget abit. hehe.

i shall post those photos, haha, will make me happier!

The Saints Presentation Night - SAJC Band

2007-08-14T22:40:00.000+08:00

Oops actually this concert was like way back, but well i've decided that good concerts are worth looking back and remembering. Hmm i was very reluctant in going for the concert, mainly because i havent touched my books for like the past few days then. really felt super bad for going/.. but it turned out to be the best concert so far i've been to. taking into consideration the repertoire and the audience and all. they freakin played alleluai laudamus te! very impressive. they also played i need to be in love. the one tj recently played for CNY celebration. a very good mix of genres in the repertoire.. hmm i realised that soloists must have that confidence in order to deliver gd music. somehow after i've seen so many soloists, i realise that those soloist that appear confident and with all smiles give me the impression they know they're stuff... though they might not sound as good as exected, they certainly look impressive.

haha, and so unglam, i bloody wore a white polo T and shorts to concert. omg, haha, its so study type of attire. hmm i met my vs juniors, and my i must say they've grown up alot. feel great for them. hmm come to think of it, 4 years in vs, boys school is not such a basd thing afterall.. haha.. oh yar and thats me and QJ, and we were not doing anything funny.. just sharing a sofa. haha..

Motif 2 - TJC MEP Concert

2007-08-12T21:39:00.000+08:00

Oh man, i just came home and i was like greeted by this thunderous thunder.. haha... thunderous thunder.. haha.. more like this super big flash of light followed by the zzz, electricity sound before the BOOM!!! bad omen sia. hmm nvm, i shall keep positive. I planned to study at esplanade library, but it was damn crowded so had to resort to going to the extreme end of the island to find some space. ended up in pasir ris. wah 4 hours, not bad not bad. but some hows its not productive at all.

Was talking to luther during the concert, and yes TJ mep has diversity! u have wind, u have strings, u have percussion.. u have western, u have chinese. very much like an orchestra. hmm. how i wish there were more string players in TJ. Wah then the orchestra dream team they're trying to make will be so much more realistic. Was interesting to see my friends play solo's and duets. tommy's drums as usual lar.. zai. haha.. then aud and QJ, they sounded great. err though can tell they nervous. haha.. breatheing can hear they kan chiong.. haha... then dinah.. omg, damn funny.. haha. nigel looks kinda cool, or what they say serious. hehe. grace was great too...

hmm sometimes i envy these people, they have so much talent. and that their talents are being constantly polished... from a raw gem to a sparkling one and continuously polished till its perfect. well, i guess i dun have that kinda chance, exposure, experience, oportunity .....AH! to play at explanade is like my dream! a dream that has been easily achieved by my other band mates and friends. i guess i'll continue to be envious of them.

well, on a positive note, i have performances coming up at the end of year!! yay! tentatively 4 so far! excited!! hmm but i better get my promos done properly first. hmm back to work for now.

i dun dare to believe what people tell me, cause u are always there when i needed u. u might be selective, but guess what i am too, cause i'm selective in choosing input.

2007-08-03T15:53:00.001+08:00

here's a story

her samsung d600(he) is all smashed and lays helpless on the shelf. on the outer he looks so sturdy and well. he looks just like how he used to. being showered with love, always full of smiles, always there for her, always by her side. but in a fit of anger she forgot all about those happy times she spent with him, and threw him on the ground with so much hatred. he could feel that hatred. although he could not understand why she did it, he knew it was not his fault. as she walked out on him, he thought it was all over. but she came back only to find him all smashed up and tears appeared on the screen. he flickered involuntarily, sobbing uncontrollably as he vibrated out of control. only then she had begin to realise how important he was, as she sat and stared at him, she had begun to remember the happier times she spent with him. she want him back so badly now, but hes gone. forever gone.

i guess i'm like the phone, beyond repair. what's said is said. no more "sorries".
as for her, i dun think she cares at all.

i'm sorry phone, to have smashed u up.

Real Music - Marist Stella Bands Concert

2007-07-30T00:45:00.000+08:00

Just came back from marist stella concert. It was super funny sia, this concerts all in one sia, have lame MCs, joker audiences, small kid performances, and blah blah blah... haha.. well but i couldnt really enjoy the concert mainly due to my lacking of sleep.

Wah! yesterday i broke the record! talked on the phone till 5am plus. oh man, but i really enjoyed talking to her, after so long! its been like months since we've even met or talked to each other. well i guess one has to take the initiative to keep the friendship. i almost thought i had lost it. In the end i slept all the way to 12 30pm. 7 hours of sleep, but still tired.

Hmm headed off to concert, and oh my, should have seen the crowd, the whole hall filled so fast lar. So happy to see my flute buddies!!! most from marist though. and yar carnival was fantastico! i really hope to work with him again one day. just like on this very day, the 30th of july of last year, at USA IMC. Just browsed through some of the pics, and somehow i could still feel her caressing my fingers, i could still feel that cold wind that penetrate through my thin white jacket. I could feel the pain when we left. I miss them.

Back on course, well back to the concert. Haha, the worst mcs i've ever encountered. haha. entertainment level was so lame that we were kinda laughing at them rather than their jokes. well, and the audiences were retarded. piece havent end then clap. totally spoilt the damn bloody nice song lar. infuriating. grr, lucky they were not so retarded during carnival. well overall i guess the main and alumni bands were impressive. nice one arh cheok!

i love it when u call. hehe. both of u.

Practicing injuries and pain.

2007-07-15T00:21:00.000+08:00

Argh! my left index finger knuckle hurts super bad! oh man, sometimes the pain is so excrutiating, i will just suddenly almost drop the flute, or the whole part around the finger gets numb so much so that the pain is felt on the bone instead of the skin. When i went to the IMC, i asked the tutor on how to cure this, and she said that i was holding the flute too tightly, and suggested that i rela my fingers more.. i did that and it ended up in my loosening my grip between lower lip and flute lip plate which resulted in a weaker tone. so i reverted back. Then came terence teow, and he only said one thing. "U've been practicing everyday right?" he said. And well it doesnt take an expert to tell that, at the rate my index finger is rotting.oh man, this pain has been toubling me ever since sec3, i hope my finger will be fine.

Another part of my hands that is in pain now is my right pinky. this one is a new injury i would call it. the worse thing about it is that it hurts all the way to the arm muscles. while typing, it hurts gradually.

my mouth is rotting. to hell with it.

haiz, playing the flute requires lots of sacrifice man. haiz. but the rewards are for greaters than one can imagine. and yeah! i took 3 days to learn faure fantasie! the notes only though. expression wise still learning. hmm just a peek into my practicing way when i'm on my com. hehe.. i find it the ultimate maximizing of time when i'm not studying and just chilling.

thanks for staying by me. u've tolerated the noise i've created, u've tolerated my torturings, tolerated my mistreatments throwing u up in the air like a little baby. tolerated my angry music, tolerated the anger vent on u. U're the only that understands, the only one that just stays beside me and let me cry, shout, rant, grumble. I've had happy times with you, and many a times i have made up my mind to make u my career. but i guess circumstances will not allow me to fulfil that wish. oh well, my flute though u're such a bastard to torture me with those injuries, i still love ya!

at this very day last year, things changed a great deal. one aspect went up, the other went spiralling down hill. choices i made were so wrong. or maybe i made them for my own good?

2007-07-09T23:29:00.000+08:00

I remember when i left VSCB then, i was just like you. and even now when i go back to vscb, i'm still in the same position. I always offered my help to my juniors and come down specially in an attempt to impart some of my puny pool of knowledge to them, in hope that they'll one day surpass the standard I set for my section. However what i got was reluctance on their part. Maybe i do not command enough respect or what. I come down to VS like every other month, maybe less frequent, and no one bothers to ask anything related to how to improve. I think times have really changed, and u've got to accept the fact that individuals are each different. Our ideas and behavior are all different. Conflicting in some cases. One important thing is to know that their still young and immature. Once they're given a post, they want autocratic control almost immediately, and i believe this is what is happenning now. Afterall its shiok to be in power. But soon they'll grow up lar. so dun worry too much.

I dunno if u do the same as i do when u were a junior. Well when i was a junior, whenever my alumnis come back to VS, i would rush to them and flood them with lots of questions regarding how to improve. Now that i'm an alumni myself, i expected that but i didnt see a similar situation. No matter how hard u try, u can only help those that want your help. arrogant people won't approach you for your help, cause they think they're good enough.well just be there for them, and i guess if one day they realise that u've been there all along for them, they'll begin to appreciate your presence.

And another thing... i dunno if u will agree with this statement that i have always stuck to. "treat people the way you want to be treated". U've been such a great teacher to them and agreat friend to them, thats why i think u would agrree with me on this statement. well, i like to think of the world as me and the others. I cant control the others, but i have total control of myself. Therefore, i want to treat everyone nicely and do my best for them. Whether or not they reciprocate the kindness i've given them doesnt matter. As long as i see that smile on their faces its ok. As long as i see the smile on your face, i'll go as far as it takes to see that. Well, youve done your part liao. whether or not she'll reciprocate that kindness is beyond your control. U're a good person, so dont blame yourself. only pity those who dont treasure what great people they have around them.

hmm, u should try voicing out to her though, communication is important in bridging friendships and stuff. Who knows she may in turn understand better and be more receptive.

to this little toddler, cheer up! u're a nice person from what i infer, though i dun really know u, and i'm sure niceness will always be around u!

i cant bring myself to, but i have to. for my sake. plz.

SAYOWE auditions

2007-07-08T22:36:00.000+08:00

This by far the worst audition i have ever experienced. Man, i almost know that i would not be able to get in liao. Its pretty obvious. If not for my horrible techniques, things could have been different. Very much different. Wah the sight reading piece is a killer. was given like 30 seconds to silent-sightread, and i only looked through the piece not even half way, a quarter way then they said, u may begin. like wth, so i just went ahead and chionging all the running notes. my rhythm was ritarded, though i still managed to keep my tone there. hmm, wasnt too dry for my discomfort. was just nice i guess. well, i guess i got to know the finally snyo flautsit on the list. Hmmm interesting to see how and what others can "teach" you. I'm definitely willing to learn.

After that i went for SWO. Haiz, i have this sudden urge to play in SWO again! But yet again, i know that my sundays must be kept free to study. I'm so wanting to just throw aside my studies and fly overseas to study music, or at least for now chiong to any nafa or what. But well, i know such urges are just my idea of escape from whatever i'm doing now. Haiz. I might not have the talent, but i do have the will and passion to work my way up there. Hmm come to think of it, i'll still go back to square one, "No". thats the answer i'll get if i ever ask them.

i didnt want to pick it up, but i just had to cause the ring tone was super noisy. i dunno whether i'm being a bastard by doing what i'm doing. i really wanted to u know. but i guess if i've put in so much to steer away, i wont want to steer back. and FYI, i know people reads this. know the context, if not u wont know anything.

2007-07-04T22:11:00.002+08:00

You scored as Violin, Violin.
woot. good for you.

Violin

83%

Cello

83%

Flute

75%

French Horn

67%

Oboe

67%

String Bass

67%

trombone

58%

Tuba

50%

Trumpet

50%

Bassoon

50%

Viola

42%

Percussion

42%

Clarinet

33%

If you were in an orchestra, what instrument would match your personality?
created with QuizFarm.com

hmm maybe i should jchange instrument... i'll go learn violin one day for sure ... not very sure for cello... and guitar's cool!

Sorting out my thoughts.

2007-07-02T01:54:00.000+08:00

Today i walked around alot, thought about lots of things. The singapore river area is definitely a good place to sit around stroll around and just stare at blank space, thinking. I dunno how i'm going to face it, but i know that it will never happen, it will never be as i expect it to be. Maybe I should just let go. Thanks hakym. Long distance dun work out, and they never will. Despite that, u'll be in wallet for as long as i remember u. luv ya

Well here are some pictures from the singapore river. The fullerton and Victoria concert hall is stunningly breathtakingly gorgeous. The next time you go for a concert at the VCH, take a moment to just stand there and appreciate the architecture.

Suddenly i thought of a splendid idea for year end. I was thinking of gathering all my flute buddies and do something together. Like outing, ensemble prac, camp or something fun. Then can interact and make new friends. Sounds cool. Well for now i gotta improve more to be worthy to be called a flute player.

i think of u all the time, that shows i just think too much that's all. when she's gone, she's gone for good. havent kept in touch for long.. i miss you, but i do not have the guts to start one, for i have a fear that i'm history. though u are to me now. haiz. no more pasts plz.

Tchaikovsky - Symphony no.5 in E minor op.64

2007-07-01T01:43:00.000+08:00

The first complete symphony i ever performed. A beuatiful one it was, and still is to me. The play counts on my itunes have shot up for that particular song. Sometimes I would have a bad day and come home just comlpetely switch off and listen to the whole symhony, half naked on my bed, frantically waving my hands in the air, with tears flowing down my cheeks as the music progresses. The intensity is great, overwhelming.

This something i got from the internet :

Introduction. Complete resignation before Fate, or, which is the same, before the inscrutable predestination of Providence. Allegro (I) Murmurs, doubts, lamentations, reproaches against XXX. (II) Shall I throw myself into the embraces of Faith?

Very much like beethovens symphony where all starts dark and hopeless and ends in a triumphant mood and all. As i read on, it made more sense to me why the music was written, in the first place. i dunno if its correct but i realise that he wrote the symphony closely similar to that of the struggles he faced in composing the symphony. all the conquering to be done, which ended up a success, though later he had doubts. all that self doubt, then came improvements which gave him hope.

Sometimes i feel that life is very much like what this symphony portrays. When everything seems hopeless and full of despair, one tends to throw in the towel easily. We often neglect the light that is ever so brightly shining ahead of us when we focus on the darkness within us. but once we manage to have a glimpse of the light, we can follow and find the source and towards a brighter future.

To my friends out there including myself that is. Being bothered by the past is tiring. Live in the present, no regrets, no ifs. Sometimes we try so hard to make ammendments, that we forget that in the first place its not ammedments we are making. Instead its room for more ammendments we're creating.... ok what rubbish... anyway i'm tired of my past...

Well recently i've been thinking alot, and lots of people mix up talent with hardwork. they are completely 2 different things... really 2 completely different things... Alot of people peole say "wah lao that guy so talented sia", its bullshit man. Well he might be talented but talent alone cant raise a musican to that level. Hardwork alone can. Many dun look at the hardwork people put in and claim that it is talent.. well it might be but it boils down to hardwork. Actually the main reason im saying this is because i'm furious at some group of people, who accuse others for their progress, and not blame themselves for not putting in enough. Come on man i started out on flute like an idiot lar. I was probably the lousiest amongst the 5 of them lar. all 5 of us grew and improved together because we had the desire, the love, and the hardwork put in. Its not all talk and talk. Put in some action. When i saw that situation, heard what was practiced, was totally appauled. maximum effort wont grant u that type of playing, definitey no. disappointed that the empire that my seniors have worked so hard to create is now dwindling away. i want to help, and have exressed my desire to. What i got instead was reluctance on their part. i tried man. i have. although i shouldnt be the one feeling lost, i do, for some reason or so. maybe i feel lost for them. i've done my part, i dunno whether u have. my bros, we didnt neglect them, i feel. success needs nuturing, nuturing needs acceptance.

enough of the past.

Scherzo 07 Performance

2007-06-24T01:53:00.000+08:00

ooh, back from a concert. I must say this is the first time i'm so under prepared for a concert. At one oint i felt guilty... but ah well, music is about fun and enjoying.. i did have fun and enjoyed so i guess its a good experience. The people there are nice, nicer than i expected, cause i've been to other bands and my are they cold... but this band has life in it anda whole bunch of jokers accompanied with it... rowdy at times and unco-operative at times, but fun and friendly... oh well, i dont think i can join them i want to, too many committments outside of band liao.. haiz...

oh yeah , and managed to make some new friends and meet some of my old friends, alumnis and caught up with one of my good buddy matthew. i'm adding more people to my flute buddy list! thats a good thing... my social circle is widenning! yay! well, met this vscb clarinet alumni performing in the concert as well... no wonder he seemed familiar... oh and met another percussion guy i performed with at VJC strings.. cool guy... yeah acknowledged each others presence.. after that had dinner with matthew at simei... feels really great talking to him, just laughing and sharing... I'm happy that i have such friends! I feel lucky.

here are some photos from my dinner at royal scotts!

I'm glad that u called. sometimes i ask myself who would like the character, but i find myself liking it even though i dun. u confuse me.

Too many things!

2007-06-20T23:41:00.000+08:00

Damn shit. Just too many things happening at once. today i had everything planned out, study with nicholas and audrey at library then go have dinner with seng kiang and then off to MWS prac. But last minute had a change in schedule, so fucked up man my time scheduling. Its like i pissed off and pang sehed two parties for the sake of family time... I'm really sorry but oh well i feel damn bad now. I only attended one practice and now i'm going to play for concert? its super uncommitted, and i'm just not comfortable with not being committed, but circumstances have landed me in this uncommitted state.

Maybe sometimes i just get myself involved in too many things, so much so that i find it hard to handle and juggle everything. I'll have to start asking myself if I am ready to push hard on my studies for the next half year ahead, whether i'm "smart" enough to audition for SAYOWE or not. Lots of things to consider. I am definitely not going to allow myself to fall victim to procrastination and lackadaisical attitude. once bitten twice shy man. Last year went for IMC in the middle of the year, then when came back to singapore, my heart was in US. Definitely contributed to a slow start on my revision. This year hopefully there will be no such major distractions, though IMC was the best thing that happened in my life.

I know i'm not going to finish my revision for JCTs. But well i try to study harder and smarter and hopefully i will get ideal results. This is like the hardest i've slogged for, and yet still have that feeling that i'll see lots of F words, both on the scripts and in the speech bubbles. I'll let my effort decide my fate.

One thing i realised today is that people look their best when they smile. and I realised that my friends' smiles brings a smile to my face naturally... hmm, i think it does. does it? anyway, all the little babies out there smile more! hehe u know who i'm saying yeah? haha..

she hasnt called me for exactly a week, she overseas? kinda worried... did i do something wrong, or is it just that she's busy. oh well, i'll call tmr.

was bored, if u are try this.. hehe... dun laugh at me if u do.. haha

2007-06-17T23:34:00.000+08:00

Create your own Friend Test here

2nd DSA auditions.

2007-06-15T22:03:00.000+08:00

Definition of cute : Audrey (haha)

ooh, just back from tuition, damn tired. today had DSA auditions in the morning, argh that was effectively wasting of such a good morning, where i woke up early and was so refreshed. Well actually it wasnt considered a waste, cause i got to see some pro-ness. Hmm, the 2nd round auditions was definitely better than the 1st. More "serious" candidates came and there was less band pieces being used as audition piece.

Well, i dunno how u would see it lar, but well i just have the impression that if u use a band piece as an audition piece, it shows that u have limited repertoire. well just an impression but well come to think of it, one will showcase his playing better on solo pieces and technical exercises that has that extra challenge and more length of music etc... but well if u play a band piece god-like-ly, its still good.. haha

Well, today there were quite a number of flautists who auditioned. wah sia lar thrash me flat lar i have to say. though i've improved, i was no where at their standard when i was thier age one year back. i must say i have lots to learn from them. hopefully my dream team will get accepted in TJ via DSA, and plus a toddler from amk. With those, flute quartet would be easy, flute choir also can sia. that would mean i'll be the suckiest amongst them. haha its ok, have lots to learn... and like nigel said, if this happens, man its gonna be strong, the strongest flute section in jc band possibly. gd luck to my dream team.. hehe. dream team.. haha.. dream team, haha oh man... what am i saying man.. dream team.. hehe..

i've tried my very best to keep my hands to myself, i'm succeeding... hmm just hope that there wont be another cheryl or audrey in the next year J1 batch.. haha.. though i hope there will be! ^^ as for now study and try not to fail jcts.

AMK P.O.P.

2007-06-10T21:30:00.000+08:00

Hmm, today just came back from moulmein. no comments man. i'm lucky to be in SWO. i better start being committed after jcts man. hmm or maybe at the end of year... i miss SWO practices! but the timing for the practices clashes with alot with my tuition and studying... so i made this dreadful choice to take leave... shit... how i wish my time wasnt so clashy...

well yesterday went to AMK p.o.p. with ryan. kinda cool. although it was too formal for my liking, it was good.. haha.. can see that their band very bonded? somehow? ok thats was a guess.. but well after they've been through so much, how to not be bonded... just like the days me and bros kena shit in vs.. we've been through alot man, thats why we remain as bros even though we've gone our different ways. the band sounded not as bad as they claim lar. but u know the amk people humble lar humble.. haha.. then ryan and his habit of er hem.. look around and around.. haha.. i was busy looking too! found 2 toddlers!!(not the ones in the pic) oh man... they blow the same thing as i do, hold the same rod as i do, and blow it with so much love and passion for it!(assumption made) just like i do! oh man... and best of all they're shorter than cheryl!!! cuteness!!! haha.. really look forward to them joining tj man.. then can start a whole new revolution of zai flautists in tj... not saying i zai, i meant the new j1s-to-be. haha.. i suck like shit man i realised.. hmm.. nvm nvm... hmm on top of that still have the zai flautists in the alumni, wah god-like.. ok maybe i'm thinking too far... speaking of toddlers, i was this toddler on the mrt and she was like so cute, i just had to snap a picture of her.. cuteness!

congrats to tommy and nigel for having such cute juniors.. haha.. jkjk.. its an achievement though..haha.

TJCSB Stage Band Gathering

2007-06-09T00:21:00.000+08:00

Ooh, back home! at an unearthly hour though. We had gathering at jon's house, was nice to see my buddies after a long time man. ok maybe not so long time.. hmm but was good to see them. Hmm though there were lots missing from the gathering.. hmm... it wasnt a complete stage band! Oooh, i missed wan yuan!!! haha, lucky audrey was there. haha. oh man and i realised i cant help not staring at audrey... She's like this soft toy on this shelf that a little boy like me has longed for for a long time. To me she's perfect! oh *smacks myself* , stop dreaming!!!! hmm back to serious business.. hmm ok well i had fun, watching movies and our concert. Though i would prefer something more interactive, but it was fun...

That brings me back to those days where my vs friends came over at my house for a stay over.. it was so much fun. and me being such a bad host, i didnt have any good movies nor cards to entertain them, so we just talked cock.. was fun talking crap though.. haha... thanks jon for the gathering! totally love this batch man... Oh and when we were walking towards to bus stop, elliot QJ fred and me were kinda like jealous of the brass!! oh man they can so easily just set up chairs, sit down, take out scores, and the ensemble playing begins! I'm jealous!! I'm determined to make sure our woodwinds buck up and not always get thrashed by the brass.. haha.. not up to me to make sure... but we will make sure... wood winds! go for it! ah shit, just realised we dun have the numbers! the intake next year better be good! lets start ensemble fellow woods, and let our winds blow them away.. haha

2007-06-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

Its all in perspective, does it converge or diverge? Well its very much up to us to decide on how we want to look at it. Actually I have seen this sight for countless of times, but today it caught my attention as I thought about what i just wrote. choose to look on the brighter side and you'll feel so much better and achieve much more. as for me, jia you and your studies!

VSCB send-off

2007-06-06T01:47:00.000+08:00

Well, today was the day my juniors in vs set off for their australia trip. By now they will be in the plane to auatralia. Hmm.. after much studying, i set off as planned and headed to the airport, and oh my i was surprised that the whole band was there! I thought i will be earlier than them, but i guess i was wrong. At first i looked around to find my friends(batchmates), but none came. Felt kinda bored, but oh well then came wei xiang and ramu! Talked to them quite abit. hmm and i found out that well studying music isnt all that impossible. at least i know that ramu my senior did it. it all came to one point where i was left staring at them queuing up to check in their luggage. then i realised how jealous i was of them, to be able to go overseas with their friends and have so much fun. I had my fair share of fun 3 years back, but somehow i felt that i wanted relive those moments so badly. I got to talk to mr tan quite abit. felt good. i never imagined myself talking to him about anything else other than techniques... oops... that fear of stepping out of the comfort zone is there... but i guess it takes time. had dinner with wei xiang and alumni gang, mr tan, mr anwar. felt weird cuase i was the youngest... hmm but i guess i'll grow up soon.

i love you a lot. and i say alot means alot, but i dunno how to love u the way i want to cause whenever i show my concern, i get "disconcern" from u. i care for u thats why i can be quite naggy sometimes. i'm sorry, forgive me. like i told her i didnt want anything, yeah i dun think i'm old enough. i just want u to be happy and healthy. nothing more.

TJCSB Handover & VJC Strings Performance

2007-06-01T23:24:00.000+08:00

Well, in the morning we had clean up of the band room, and oh my, u should have seen the state of our band room before and after. what a stark contrast. Had to do sia kang with the chairs and stands... haha i dun really understand how dirty those can be.. other than people like someone fom basses farting on the chair. haha... ooops.. well thats makes me come to think of the j2s. i'm so going to miss them !! haiz.

After clean up, did some ppt preps, then was the handover... congrats to the new exco, and i can see great promise in the new comm... haha... as for me, once an SL, always an SL. vs kena sl, now kena again.. haha.. i'm expecting a fun year next year... the intake(for flutes) better be good man.. haha.. After all the announcements, it was powerpoint viewing all the way... oh man, jia yi's good at ppt man... kudos to her. she did great on the ppt. i bet all the stage band people loved it. well, i certainly did, and the subsequent j2 ppt was great too... the only thing i didnt get to watch fully is the stage band vid!!! argh... nvm i shall wait patiently.. hehe

After all that reliving of memories of stage band, i chionged down to VJC for rehearsal. Todays's concert was great man. It was to me an achievement to completely perform an entire symphony! first time sia.. was exhausting but was nonetheless enjoyable. I'm so lucky to have been given this opportunity to play in an orchestra.. thanks trevor! mr tze! Many of my distant and closer friends came to watch the concert. and i must say i am so surprised to find that many of my distant friends still remember me! hmm, thats a good thing! haha.. Well my band life ends this month on a high note. A concert i would never forget. Nice working with raphael and jin hern. I've learnt alot and i will be continueing to do so.

Concert was over, and i had a small chat with rennald... hmm maybe a medium chat... well, i suddenly realised that we have alot in common, though i didnt voice it out... our parents are super unfsurportive of our music carrier dream, and also his music journey was somewhat like mine, definitely not smooth sailing... as i listened to his story and all, i realised something... hey! i'm not the only idiot thats trying so hard for something that i wont do in future... but fuck it man, i want to. that aside, i let my studies do the talking. I can remember the first time i saw rennald... and i didnt see anything else but his face, trust me man... haha its hasnt his errhem in the tiolet i saw...

study all the way... i'll make sure i dun screw my life up further anymore... prioritize... focus...

I might not be good, but I try my best.
I might not be the best, but I try to be better.

New resolution for my section? or rather the next year intake?
Be the best flute section in Singapore!
thats was what i once told my VS juniors, but well i guess it boils down to passion.

Trying is never enough, Be it.

Pas de Deux - TJC Chamber Ensemble Performance

2007-05-27T22:53:00.000+08:00

Ooh, just came back from a traumatising dinner experience... touchiness from a guy to girl is understnadable, but from a girl to a guy is so un-understandable... ooh, die nah sia.. i better not think... although she's cute man... but eeyer, stop thinking!!!

anyway, today was chamber concert. got invited to play for the carnival of the animals. was pretty challenging for one of the movements... but overall i managed to fake through. hehe.. the rehearsal was like 95% of waiting and doing nothing. was quite bored, but lucky have qin jie with me. now i officially owe him like 11 bucks plus. man im so broke. anyway, was a fun experience playing in a string ensemble... i would get a greater picture this coming friday. we'll see.

ARGH!

2007-05-25T23:37:00.000+08:00

just fuck it man. every fucking day i come home, i get scolded for everything i didnt do, everything i did, and everything i'm expected to do. its every single day. the moment i see u 2, i get scolded, for shit man. u guys interfere with everything. i'm already so stressed and you guys add on the pressure, band is every so stressful, especially with our pathetic size, i'm already trying so hard for band, and yet its still not enough. my studies is very pathetic, and i know that, but i'm trying my very best. i stay up late to make up time, but i still suck... the fact is i'm trying my best, but u guys just desise me, everyday i come home u guys scold me, taunt me, if u think u care alot by doing that, i tell u otherwise, i'm so fedup with this family already lar... i try my best liao.. i cant do better, tell how can i? especially when u guys dun give me the emotional support, and just drain all the love that i have away... its not fair.... people have understanding parents... i dun... just fuck it man... i never get praised for what good ive done, only been critisized by the negatives... today i had this thought of not going home, but eventually still did, in hope that there would be no or less scoldings, but what i expected was what i should never and i think it was stupid to expect. i kena scolded again... again and again... i tell myself, hey dun retaliate let them scold, the more i dun retaliate the more it builds inside, the more aggressive they get, the more hurtful things they say... the more i feel like crying, the more vulnerable i get... the more unimportant i feel, the more pressure, the more stress, the more work undone, the more pain, more negative everything... its been the 4th day of torture, not only at night.. in the morning u rant and scold and find fault for every single thing... i dun even dare talk to u guys, or even ask money from u guys, cause whenever i tell u guys something, u guys shoot me back with the same reasons, the same excuse, the same despising words... if i'm in your eyes not a good enough son, i seriously think u should just throw me away for all i care... i have tried my very best, if u think hat i can study 24hrs, then really i have nothing to say. u just dun trust me.. and u just have never did... then u say how can we trust u if our teachers complain... well if u cant then dont, and come down hard on me with restrictions... but using that condescending tone, sarcasm and demeaning words is much more hurtful than imposing restrictions... it seems that whatever i have done right, whatever i have done well, are only recognized by my friends... i'm drifting apart if this continues, and i'm not coming home if tomorrow is the same. that i can promise u. give me a break, just shut up. and if i cant make u guys just by saying... i will shut u guys up with my JCTs...

u just came in again to scold me yet again!!! fuck off, u already made me so fucking upset and stressed up, and yet u want me to study through the night in this mental state... leave me alone! argh just fuck off.

"SC" tryouts & VJC strings

2007-05-24T00:33:00.000+08:00

SC tryouts was just hilarious man. Pretty obvious who are the ones that want to be SC( but still deny) and those who dont want.. haha... it was fun screwing up, but then again haha, i think i shouldnt have taken it like a joke. *guilty* . to my fellow vs buddy, and to toms, step up onto the podium man. And one thing i found disturbing today was the way people reacted to whoever was on the podium. It was so different and sometimes i find it pretty disgusting that band people show and display such biasness for and against different individuals. Although the band was kind to me, some others suffered something bad. As i sat there, i wonder why we cant put aside our selfishness and fun, and at least give whichever noob up there a teeny weeny bit of respect. hmm, but as i am writing this, i'm a little guilty of it.

Well after band, i chionged to VJC strings practice. I was so late and felt quite bad for being late, but band is still priority. Anyway I really enjoyed the practice, though i would say it was soso, the feeling of playing in an orchestra is like a dream come true, actually thats just an exxageration, but my point is i love orchestra. sightreading was not too much of a challenge. well i just have a feeling that there are like plenty of snyo players in the winds there, i look a round and i can spot quite a number. though snyo players are not say all fantastic, though most are, but then it just goes to show how good the orchestra winds are. And now i can confirm rumours, but oh well i just reciprocate any values plonged in lor, but no harm learning also lar. i just fell in love with symphony no.5 e-moll by Tchaikovsky. looking forward to the next prac definitely.

TJCSB Prelude 27 Performance

2007-05-20T15:31:00.000+08:00

A totally awesome day yesterday man. Full of emotions, full of laughter, and everything was an up, no downs. TJCSB J1s

Come to think of it, earlier this year, during the syf period, I did once questioned myself if I did make a right choice in wanting to join TJCSB, instead of MJ, or somewhere else. Then i couldn't see myself going on with a slack band culture, one even worse than the 4 year experience i had in VS. But things started to change around pretty soon once that thought started to linger in my mind. SYF practices intensified and attendance were improving. Then in a flash SYF had come and gone.

After SYF, i was expecting a whole new cycle of people ponning pracs and having the heck care attitude towards band. and Did they prove my expectation wrong? They certainly did. After SYF attendance was even better. Focus during practice was better, and fatigue levels in everyone were low.Stage band practices were much more efficient and people started to take stage band more seriously. Even Andy who is triple science started to stay back to as late as 12 something. And the usual people stayed back even later than usual. People like, Trinity, Jit rui, Tommy, Audrey, Jia yi, Brina, Hong yu, Biing yi, Sin chin, Crystal, and Grace, and the entire stage band.

Prelude 27 was definitely a success, a sold out concert says it all, and on top of that we played music that was just simply magical. Hymn to the sun was i would say orgasmic. Under less pressure (unlike syf) we simply played our hearts out, and the result was a hymn that left both the audience and performers awed and teary. Someone told me lin shen teared at the letter S and T of hymn to the sun. Remember the days when everyone thought hymn to the sun was a stupid piece for syf at the beginning. Now it has become part of tjcsb's list of "magical" songs along side the chosen and more.

Given only barely less than 5 hours of practice for each of the pieces performed at the concert, i would say it was a job well done. around the world was i feel a rather safe piece, but it was a safe and nice piece, and solos were super. hymn to the sun was godlike, 3 Extra ordinary journeys (actually is was only 2) was smooth, Les miserables was quite emotional at some parts. Cant take my eyes off you was soso i guess... but was the best i've done. Given 4 days to practice, a pat on my back for the effort.

Stage band was super! our hard work finally paid off! I have to say it was enjoyable to watch the whole production come together. Everyones acting was like thier best and and voice overs did a great job voicing them. stage band was as usual zai. In all stage band 07 was a huge success, and many came up to me to praise our stage band performance. Once again fairy god father was gay. man i was super gay up stage. come to think of it, haha i really did manage to conquer my fears and stage fright.

lastly i would like to thank my batch mates and juniors from VSCB , my students from damai sec, fiesta friends, cliff, shing wei, and everyone else for coming to support TJCSB. I'm sure u guys had a great time, and im glad u guys did.

TJCSB - the best decision of my life

TJCSB SYF BAND CENTRAL JUDGEING

2007-05-11T22:51:00.000+08:00

GOLD. says it all pretty much yeah?
4 weeks ago, we could taste the silver,
3 weeks ago, silver was almost over,
2 weeks ago, gold was within sight,
1 week ago, we were putting up a fight,
this week, we were god-like,
today, we were dog-like.

yesterday, i was still dreaming of playing in band presentation night at esplanade, as have all the sso players had played there. aspiring to be like them is one thing, to be is really another matter. Today, we really were aspiring to be a gwh band, rather than being one. The rehearsals before the actual performances were super nice, and were really one of the best band moments of my entire "band life". The music we made was really emotional, and i could really feel the music. Nigel said we were "godlike" during band prac, i always thought that we didnt, till the recent week.

After the announcement of results, it was like a death sentence that was just passed against our favour. people started crying and tearing. mostly girls of course, while at the other ends of the hall, other gold bands were either emotionally stable, or overjoyed. I had this smile plastered on my face, as if telling the whole world that im so satisfied with gold only, when deep inside it hurts so bad, that the all the smiles was a facade to hide all that anguish, pain, injustice, and all that crap. My tough bros broke down. That just shows how much the gwh meant to us, and not getting it was devasting.

Now i know how powerful words are. Just without the 2 additional words added behind the award, and it sets the mood for the remaining of the day. Just came back from taipaning, thanks elliot. Now that we didnt get gwh, conditions for our band isnt favourable man. shall not go further man.

To my friends that feel sad and all, dun be, cause we did our best and our best got us the gold. Lets all treasure this gold award, treasure our friendships and the times we spent together. My heart might be with VS, but my spirit and determination is with TJ band.

I dont know why,
but I didnt cry.

The final stretch

2007-05-06T00:06:00.000+08:00

Wow, what a week it was been. Full of ups and downs everywhere. People are feeling the pressure and stress, including myself. Lots of crying done on their part. On my part its more of punching more pillars. Frustration builds up when i play like shit and destroy the band sound, and let me and the others down. My lips havent been of any help lately too. The dryness is coming back, and its damn bloody affecting my tone and flexibility. The band is sounding better than the start of the year definitely, but then i think we can do a much better job than what we are producing now. Today had band practice, and i felt super guilty. One is for that i was late for band, 2nd was that i sucked at band prac, 3rd was that i sucked at sectionals, 4th was that i sucked at my flute for practically the whole day i think. Its so tough to be consistent. But as the saying goes, IF U SUCK, BLOW MORE! yup, simple logic behind that man. Now with my lips drying up, not possible liao. Tomorrow is the SYF rehearsal for syf. Well i'll make sure i do my best then.

Stage band today was rather weird. I find that i cant do my scene well enough. I know that i can do it de when i'm not thinking about anything else and just plain letting it all out and act. But how does one expect me to do so when i practically screwed the whole band prac and sectionals before stage band prac. Oh well, i need more time and training man. I admit to one thing, I cant act. I'll give my best. Well I feel that even if we are not the masters of our job, the least we can do is just take the time off to be present and watch , learn, and in a way appreciate people's effort into staying back. Everyone is important, for this is a band, not track and field.

Last week, we had band exchange at HCI. Wasnt fantastic but nonetheless was a good experience to listen to how the other bands sounded. Managed to catch up with my good buddies at the exchange mostly from VJ. I guess nothing has changed really. They're still as fun loving and crappy as usual. Those are my brothers of VSCB. Real friendships are forged when we go through shit together man. Ok and to be real honest to myself and friends out there, i really did screw up. ask my section mates and they will know. But well thanks for those encouraging words, i will work harder to strive for much better.

Hmm back to recent happenings. Just 2 days ago kena caught by my teacher. Oh man, life sucks especially when its super stressed up at this period of time. But somethings that happen are my own doings. I'm grateful for what he did, for it was best for me. Thanks for waking me up. I will try to repay the faith u guys have in me. For the band people, I will repay the faith u guys have put in me.

Speaking of which, it reminded me of DSA! Well, band juniors out there who are sec4, come DSA TJC. To get a glipmse of what life in TJ band and what how TJ band is like, come for our concert on the 19th May, would be a great influence in your choice. be it for or against.

My fault?

2007-04-28T00:16:00.000+08:00

hmm, now everyones pointing their fingers at me. My fault. Definitely! Even accidentally not greeting a person is a sin. oh man i've sinned. I'm sure all of u guys out there know i make an effort to acknowledge your presence by at least saying hi? I really dont know what is with this world man. When i try to liven things up, people get all so serious and worked up. I thought we are grown ups, i thought we are able to take shit and more shit along with that, i thought we dont grumble and just move on? I really dunno man. using jitrui's lingo, " Chill!!" Guys, jokes are meant to be jokes, not to be taken seriously. Laugh it off and have a great time, not get so tensed up and turn fun to "unfun". Applies to all k. anyway i dun think i'm the only one working, i think that there are only a hand few working. A hand few wont get us anywhere. Oh man, I'm a fucking hypocrite. someone kill me. I've sinned, someone kill me. argh, just fuck off.

discontent, dislike, unhappiness, sadness, anger, HATE

2007-04-20T00:16:00.000+08:00

Why such a title? hmm well, recently i have seen many of my friends gone through these mixture of emotions, and it reminds me of the old me i used to be. Well, its only barely months and enemies have been recognized amongst us, and alliances has been formed. I dont know if anyone recognizes such a thing happening, but it is definitely happening. Everywhere in fact. Its tough to be caught in between two sides firing cylinders and shells at each other. Sitting on that fragile fence, one will lose balance occasionally and step on either sides of the lines. Its inevitable that we side either sides at times, and there's the tough part. One can relate to pm lee visiting taiwan and china as an example. not a very good example though, but something like that.

I can remember the days when i was like that. When i hated someone, i would have this fixed impression of him, and would discriminate against him whatsoever. I would have to admit he was in the wrong from the start, and my doings were just his deserts. However things changed around when i was sec 3 when i got hated by someone and got alot of shit from him. As a leader then i had the power and control, but no answers. I ruled with a firm grip, but not with an iron fist. I was a leader, not a totalitarian autocratic bastard. Naturally I could not change that person without him having the will to change.

Soon I realised that in this world, very often it is we who determine our emotions and not so much others. It is true that most emotions are caused by the surrounding influences, but our choice of mood and emotion is very much dependant on how we want to feel and how we want to express it. I can remember back last year during FIESTA, there was this certain person who bad mouth me for no apparent reason, and up till now i dun know the reasons for "he or she" to do so. I heard it from quite a number of sources, but i chose not to believe, although most are reliable. I treated her super well, and made sure she was ok everytime. Gradually, we became friends, and I've successfully turned an enemy to a friend. As to who the person is, only a handful will know, but my point is, if you be nice to even the worst person on earth, the person will have guilt if he continues to treat you in a bad way.

And recently a bastard crossed my path. What a bastard he was, totally fit into the descrition everyone was telling me of a bastard. I hated him for that day, and the subsequent week. I even told some of my friends (actually only one) about this, to let off those heated steam boiling inside. But gradually, I managed to keep the neutral status back again.

oh yar and another bastard that i see everyday, bloody fucking asshole, always up against me, and so vulgar somemore. Felt like smacking his bloody "yalam" ass sia. Everything out of his mouth as either vulgarity or sarcasm. That guy better watch out sia. The middle fingers have came out, soon those will be up your ass if you dun watch out.

Ok, im starting to hate lots of people now, but i'll go ahead and apply my theory of Hate + Love = Love. Or rather Enemy + Enemy = Friends. And once again I want the GWH, I want you to want it equally badly, I want us to work hard. PLZ i beg you.

This world needs nice people like you, spread our "niceness" and other will reciprocate. A smile will do, and its all that it takes. I like to see my life as a very fragile one, and everytime i see you, i want you to smile back when i smile at you, so that if one day i just die, the only thing that will remind you of me a smile. Thats all it takes to make yours and my day. Smile, cherish the times my friends. =) Smile.

Weird week

2007-04-14T22:23:00.000+08:00

ooh, just yesterday we had tutor session! this guy called terence teow came down to teach us. ive heard about him from nigel and tommy, and finally i get to see him. oh my, he was great in teaching. it was very productive when i learnt from him cause whatever he said didnt contradict what i was being taught, and further more he reinforced whatever i knew was right. generally i felt that there is an improvement in the section, and i'm glad that the current 5 man section can sound bigger than the size suggests. hmm, although i did improve, i'm just too inconsistent and i sounded bad once again today. consistency is really one thing that i need. i hope i can get better over the course of this month. i'm really praying that i can perfect my tone. oh well, and i learnt that a little air sound wont kill, although i'm pretty insistent on having no air sound in my tone. argh... i just want something i like lar.

well, finally stage band and skit pracs had some progress. looking back on the past weeks, they were like totally slack, now at least the skit is taking shape, and more people are coming down although the numbers are still pathetic. must give credit to karilyne man.. those days i see her just so stressed up and fed up with some irresponsible people, when she herself has troubles. i think she has really sacrificed alot, kudos to her. anyway, after stage band almost everyone was molesting my flute. argh, and the our poor little child(piccolo). oh my, they were filthy when i got them back, had to do lots of polishing.

I'm still considering whether or not to play for TJ alumni band. They sound fantastic, and i want to play in that band, but time is not on my side. That is one thing i have to manage well. Time. I just need more time! Guilty i have been, for this past week. My work load is piling up and at the rate i'm going, i'll be so far behind. Speaking of alumni, vs alumni of the 70s, and yes u heard that right, 70s, have organized an alumni band meeting on the 28th, which happens to clash with the exchange date. grr. i wont be able to attend. I'm guessing that they want to rebuild the band or start an alumni band. any way it goes, it would be great.

Lastly, Victoria School Concert Band, band number 19th, Silver. That says it all. I remember 2 years back it was a totally different story altogether. It went. Victoria School, Gold with Honours(pms voice). WOOAH$@#$^$%&^@%#. Back then it felt great cause we deserved it as lots of effort was put in. Well, i feel sad,not that we got silver, not that we played badly, its because they did not do enough to achieve that level of music which would leave us melting in awe. It was good, but not fantastic. I know they are capable of better, definitely much better. Generally it boils down to how much you want it which is shown in actions and not words. In band now lots of people claim they want GWH, then the contradict themselves by not coming for band, and not doing self practices. I dunno how much they want it, but i want it and that is for sure.

Start of the Challenge

2007-04-07T20:47:00.000+08:00

From next week onwards, which is the coming week, marks the start of hectic schedules, ultra late nights, more stress, and just more stress.

Well today we have band practice and there were some issues addressed. Most were on how to better prepare the band for syf, since syf is in less than a month, and we still sound no where near a gold band (subjective). Personally, I feel worried not only for the band, but for myself. I'm deproving at this last stetch and that is sinful. I wont want all my previous effort to be erased away by screwing up on syf day, and letting everyone down. Its pretty ironic to have practiced more, and deproved equally as much. It's painful to be honest. So much so that i lost my patience at times during band prac. The funny thing is that when it comes to flute and my sound, zero tolerance for shit sound.

Schedule for next week is crazy. Band practices have been increased to the following days, Monday wednesday friday and saturday. Haiz, more rescheduling of tuition to be done. Oh yes, and today our passion for music was questioned. And rightfully so.

How many of us are aiming for the GWH award, and how many of us are aiming to just make music the best we can? Personally, i feel that in music is more than awards, competition, and everything u do with negatives, like stress and etc. Man created music for his own enjoyment, his own entertainment, which in turn revoluntionized to today's competition for top honours and so on. One must question the existence of music. For competition? For glory? For fame? None of that is ever more satisfying than playing music for music sake. I step in the band room with only one thing in mind, that is to make music the best i can. But in a band its not possible to make music if we do not have everyone having the same mentality and common goal of doing their best (not equals to playing well). I want to show people that even if u suck as a player, like myself, u still can enjoy music if you want to. Its a matter of wanting and trying. Its all in the mind. As they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder does it really matter what people think?(ok it does matter) what matters is what u think. You might not like it, then change it. However if u yourself cant learn to appreciate your sound when it's due credit, then no one can appreciate it.

I know that the secondary school SYF for bands is just next week and the JC SYF for bands is in one month, and that most people know whether they are in the "SYF" band or not. To those not in the SYF band or are not going to be part of the SYF band, take it positively. To my VS juniors and friends, take this time to practice even more than the people taking part in SYF. Band practices are always less productive than individual practices. Take this opportunity to improve yourself as an individual player.One might not improve to that desired stage, but the end is not whats important. The process is the one that moulds you as a person, the one that determines which stage u will reach. Strive on and you will triumph in the quest for excellence.

u might want to reflect and think. more bad news going your way, take them well and you'll learn. character is important, search your own and you know why and how things unfold. dun search for answers from others, search it within yourself. learn it your way, take it your way, and u will find the way.

ACJC Concert

2007-04-05T21:18:00.000+08:00

Hmm, its been like almost a week since the concert on april fools day. Lots of ups and downs this week, a week filled with question marks all over. well lets zoom into the concert first.

The concert was very enjoyable, especially when its watching my band buddies perform, ernest, edwin, eng loong, zhan wei, and eugene. They certainly do look very smart in their uniform, very much different when they were in VS, but what never changed was thier undying passion for music. Thats the only reason why they joined band i guess. I feel that sec band is a process of getting yourself to like band. JC is the real deal, where one is not sick of "banding" after 4 years and wants to further it. JC band is where everyone has this common interest, and that is not CCA points anymore, unlike secondary school.It is the common strive for music excellence. Although this might not be entirely true, it somehow applies.. hehe.

well, repertoire wise was good, the number of songs looked very intimidating, it seemed like it would take forever for the concert to end. And it didnt take long for everyone to realize how big ACJC band was. 10 plus flutes compared to TJC's pathetic 4 man flute section. big band = big sound. although there was questionable balance, the other factors were good.

While there was the actual phantom of the opera play showing at the esplanade theatre, we had our share of "phantoming" at the concert hall. It was this super big combined band with the whole anglo chinese people, playing the band transcription of phantom of the opera. i totally love the piece, and the band was great. soloists were good. Well, i couldnt resist my temptation from singing praises of the oboist in front of his parents. oops.. haha... shing wei said i made their day... well i guess i do my best to be positive about everything...

Managed to grab a bite before heading home. 2 yummy loafs of bread from bread talk... wonderful bread.. oh well, tiring day then... and a tiring week was just passed.

I've always been there for my friends, try my best for them, and one slip and i'm condemned. I dunno how fair it is, but then to say that i'm a person that doesnt keep my promises is too much. I dun liked to be judged so readily, because i personally am not fast to judge people that quick. i dun like it, but i guess maybe i'll start to get used to it, and well they'll see whats its like when i do it to them. this is not a fairytale, nothing is perfect, this is the real world, live in it, stop dreaming.

well, i hope she can save her tears. seeing her cry hurts me. i dunno why it does but it does. the only time ive ever cried over a girl, was when i was on the plane back from america. as it sings, "its a little bit funny, this feeling inside". it really is. well, although u want to stay like a little baby to be taken of and loved, people do grow up, and i certainly hope u do, and when u do, u will be stronger. all i want to see is a smile. its enough.

SSO - Elgar Anniversary Doubling Up

2007-03-24T23:12:00.000+08:00

In love. Totally in love. Oh my, this concert melted my heart away. Elgar is a genius at melting me like a chocolate melting sia.. white chocolate to be exact.. hehe.. well the concert started of with this piece called Four Scottish Dances, Op. 59 by Malcolm Arnold. this is by far the best start to a concert i've been to. brilliant composing. i'm in love with him now. well from then it got better, with elgars works Chanson de matin Op.15, No1 & 2, and Salut d'amour Op.12. The Salut d'armour if i'm not wrong is translated to greetings of love? hmm a very familiar piece. oh yar and the third movement of the four scottish dances reminded me of her. it was so emotional lar that piece. as i sunk into my chair, flashes of her face keep going through my mind. I couldnt help but not think of her. There was tears for the beauty of the piece, and tears for myself. I'm never there, i'm never enough. shing wei agreed too. well brothers have a common thing you might say. Well the subsequent pieces play were nonetheless fantastic but a little too deep and long for my taste. i guess it takes some time for me to digest such pieces. takes time to appreciate..

Good buddies are hard to come by. New friends are always the indicator of your initiative. Old friends are the measure of how you treat your friendship. "More than friends" friends are your definition of "more than friends". Well today i managed to catch up with some of my buddies. i'm happy, especially when we share a common liking for music. and as we sit there mesmerized by the music of SSO, i begin to wonder, it would be very different if i were to be watching the concert by myself. i'm so lucky to have you guys. as po liang said qoute " bros before girls " yep, i cant say of that as totally true. but i definitely treasure my bros more. for they are the one that stands by me all the time... anyway bro's doesnt mean have to be guy, can be girl too.. and girls means u know your wife... kinda?

well here are some pictures, some of the past old days, and some that portrays that undying passion and love for their wives. i love you, but i have to let you go for im not good enough for you. to my flute, my parents will kill u if u mislead me.